When You Piss Upon a Car

Life is beautiful–just not my life.

Peter, John, and James dragged Jesus through the sand and laid him out in the afternoon sun until his skin was a nice, shiny grey.

When I woke up this morning I thought, “Tomorrow is another day.”

All I want for Christmas is the death of Santa Claus.

I won a new car on a game show and drove it straight to a TV commercial for an oil company.

I’d like to see a cockfight between Colonel Sanders and Frank Purdue.

“If you want to make an omelette, you’ve got to break some legs.”  Frank Sinatra

My ashtray is your ashtray–or vice versa.

Looking at musty old high school yearbook photos makes me sneeze, bringing back memories of adolescent hay fever.

If Beethoven were alive today and heard K-pop, he’d kill himself.

How many roads must a man walk down before he gets hit by a car?

She was one in a million girls just like her.

I can play a few songs on the guitar by ear but I can’t take the bleeding.

Why isn’t “Holy Matrimony” employed as a curse?

People who talk loudly to their kids in childlike voices on city buses should be forced to sit on the roof until they quiet down.

Have you ever noticed how when Bob Dylan says the name “Mary” in the song Just Like a Woman he sounds like Jerry Lewis?

Anyone who spits on the sidewalk should have to kneel down and lick up their own puddle of spittle.  That’ll teach ’em!

Did you know that Hitler used to practice his speeches before a mirror?  He cut himself shaving a lot–on purpose.

I had a dream in which Cary Grant played Rick Blaine in Casablanca (a role made famous by Humphrey Bogart).  The plot diverged from the original version, however, as he dumped Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) in order to drop acid and follow the Grateful Dead around on a silver pony.

The next James Bond film will take place in the Alps; it’s called License to Yodel. 

A bird sped towards my living room window and paused to flick a morsel of worm off the side of his beak before flying away.

My fellow commuters on the subway keep stepping on my toes.  Serves me right for wearing clown shoes.

Dr. Cupid performed open-heart surgery on the patient, apologized for botching the operation, and said, “Right, who’s next?”

Frankenstein’s monster got a job waiting tables at a family restaurant but the manager had to fire him for imposing himself on too many customers out of loneliness and a desperate search for meaning.

My baby loves to be spoon-fed apple sauce, mashed banana chunks, and strained peas.  She’s the only woman for me.

When you hear a knock on the door, don’t hesitate.  Shout out loud and clear:  “OCCUPIED!”

 

First Sentences

Despite being tame, the crowd went wild.

Dave handed Oscar his keys and said, “I don’t know you.”

Eve grabbed Adam by the arm and said, “Let’s make apple sauce!”

“I just love the springtime, don’t you?” said Martin’s grandmother as snowflakes drifted down outside the living room window.

Hitler winked at Goebbels and said, “We’ve had some great times together, kid, but I’m afraid the jig is up.”

Standing in the wax museum named in her honor, Madame Tussaud said, “Oh, and do have the servants put in some candles, would you?”

Holding his guitar, Jimi Hendrix asked Elvis, “How do you play this thing, anyway?”

Pointing the gun and the camera at Batman, the Joker said, “Freeze. . . Cheese.”

As Stephanie backed the station wagon out of the driveway, she leaned her head out the window and said to Mel, “We’ll always have Pittsburgh.”

Jesus looked up from the cross and said, “Forgive them, Lord.  They know not what they do. . . God? . . . Hello?  Would you take off your bloody earphones and listen to me for once?”

“The name’s Bond–James Bond.  Although my friends prefer to call me Twinkles.”

Daily Affirmations (Just Do ‘Em!)

Hey gang!  How the hell are you doing?  It’s great to see you.  Can you see all my teeth when I smile?  I certainly hope so.  It’s time to take a break from the usual griping and sniping to count all the wondrous blessings so many of us have.  In the mood for sharing?  Me too!  What a coincidence.

First of all, when you get up in the morning, no matter how early it is, open your window wide and scream, “HELLO, WORLD!  I’M HAPPY AS FUCK TO SEE YA!”  Then close it and draw the curtains just in case anyone managed to catch the source of that sudden, heart-squeezing outburst.

Then, after you’ve done enough sit-ups to make yourself puke, jump up, skip into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say, “You talkin’ to me?”  It’ll help remind you you’re special.  When you shave, clench your teeth to help tighten the muscles in your neck and get rid of that double chin.  Stretch all the muscles in your face as you navigate the bumpy terrain with your razor in order to give yourself a sinewy visage.

Ready to brush your teeth?  Good on you, mate!  Just make sure not to run the tap water as you steer your toothbrush over your smile-bones, and do it the way your dentist showed you, coming up away from the gum tissue to expel the plaque and germs that cause gingivitis.  Don’t forget to floss too.  It’ll make you sigh with refreshment.

Ready for breakfast?  Why not make yourself a three-egg omelette with some grated cheddar cheese?  Chop up some garlic and onions and really go to town (not literally–otherwise you’ll come back to a charred mess in your frying pan).  The latest in medical research has determined that eggs are good for you, and heck, so are battery cages!  What does the mass-suffering of incarcerated chickens have to do with you?  Why let it stop you from enjoying a yummy and satisfying treat?  Just because the cholesterol isn’t going to dam the flow of blood in your arteries is no reason to feel guilty for the plight of plundered poultry.

After you dispatch your lovingly prepared treat, take a shower with vigorous applications of soap and shampoo, making sure to sing your favorite pop song while you do so.  Pretend you’re a famous singer–Mick Jagger, Frank Sinatra, Aretha Franklin–whoever comes to mind–and incorporate James Brown dance steps into your performance (careful not to slip on the wet bathroom tiles).

Once you’ve dried off your portable two-legged temple, select the outfit that says to the world, “This is someone who’s not to be messed with; handle with care or face the consequences.”  If that means leaving home wearing nothing but a thong, a balaclava, and in-line skates, so be it.

In the event that you’re someone who has to wear a suit to your daily enslavement, pick one that makes you look like a banker with a gaggle of Congressmen eating from the palm of his hand.  Shine your shoes with enough elbow grease to see your reflected face in detail, immaculate pores included.

Or if you’re a woman who wants to look her most beautiful, spend an hour applying make-up and another on your hair.  Add a dab of scent manufactured by a company that claims not to experiment on rabbits strapped to a laboratory table, regardless of whether or not those claims are true.  Wear fur if you have any; after all, compassion for other species is obsolete–especially since we humans are number one–woo-hoo!–and consistency will get you nowhere.

Now you’re ready to face the world.  Wear elbow pads to help you push your way through the crowd, and make sure to bring your coffee thermos so you can load it up with enough caffeinated ammunition to help propel you through the day, all the way to the sunset and the gushing darkness that follows, despite the ample light pollution that infects the city with excitement.

If all that’s not enough to make you feel great, I don’t know what will.

Enjoy it!  It’s your life, whether you like it or not.