A long time ago I was in therapy. My shrink bore an uncanny resemblance to Frank Sinatra, the singer. (Disco is dead, Frank!) I asked him his advice about whether or not I should stick it out with my girlfriend. I still cared deeply about her, and I knew she loved me, but our sex life was on the fritz, proving that history does indeed repeat itself.
He looked at me over his clipboard of notes and said–no, sang:
“It’s up to you, you dork, you dork!”
Have you ever seen that movie Alive!, about the Peruvian soccer team whose plane crashed in the Andes and they had to resort to eating their dead comrades? According to one of the survivors, during one day of their desperate struggle to hang on, they were approached by a leprechaun. He danced a merry jig and led them to a burst compartment near the rear of the plane’s fuselage, pointing out a bunch of severed arms among the scattered suitcases and duffel bags.
“What the hell do you expect us to do with those?” one of the starving men asked.
“Why don’t you eat ’em, you silly bugger?”
They set about doing so, at first recoiling from the frozen meat before them. But after awhile they found the morsels of human flesh downright savory.
“What can we do to repay you, sir?”
“Nothing a’tall!” The leprechaun then sang a familiar tune from an old childhood TV commercial:
“Frosted luggage arms–they’re tragically nutritious!”
Jesus came to me in a dream.
I said, “Jesus? Is that you? You look just like Robert DeNiro.””
“Of course it’s me. And if you don’t pay your monthly tithe when you get up, I’ll break your fucking legs. Understand?”
When I was in college, I had a roommate who avoided cursing out of politeness. It would have been endearing if he’d been five years old, but I decided to make the most of the situation.
“Gosh, man,” he said, “I had an exam this afternoon and had to miss lunch!”
“How dare you use the Lord’s nickname in vain!”
You can’t believe everything you read in the papers, can you? For example, this morning I read the first line of a news story that read: “Yesterday in the United States a black man was not shot by the police.”
U.S. Ambassador to Korea Mark Lippert, recovering from his knife wounds at Seoul’s Severance Hospital (actual name–no pun intended), was visited by a Korean man who wanted to aid in his healing with a gift of dog meat. Lippert, a dog-lover who intrepidly walks his beagle up and down the anarchic streets of Seoul, was magnanimous enough to accept the offer and reciprocated with a roll of Psy toilet paper, along with a Kim Yuna voodoo doll.