Kountreeze I Hope I Gets the Chance to Visited (by George Dumbleya Bush)
Howdy, ladies and gentlemen! Ya member me? Sure, y’all do. Ah wiz yer prezzadint, member? That’s right, folks. I was president of the World War Bank for ten hole years, and now I’m back in my new post as perfesser of jesography at the Corpus Cristina College of Common Sensicality. Tudday whirr gunna talk about the shape of the world and all the countries I hope to see before i croke a few years from now. ‘course, if i’m luggy i’ll git ta live fer ever just like my good ol’ boy ray cursewhile.
Okay, now hunker down for a sec and let me regalify you with a few of the unbombed places i’d like to check out before i check out, if you know what i’m extrapolatin’. forest of all, i’d like to go to blitzerland, cuz i hear they like to drink a lotta beer thayr. as a recovering alcoholic, i always get a cick out of whatching shitheads get shitfaced. just like my old buddy dicholas cheney, who after having a few shot his good buddy harvey whittlington in the face of his head. now i ain’t trying to libelize him or nothin’. sure as hell it was an axident, and i ain’t never seen a man so steeped in contrition as uncle dickybird was aftre the insident happund. he wept teers that rolled down his cheeks like little daizy kutters, i’m telling ya. poor guy cried so hard he darn near waterbordered himself.
now next place i’d like to flap my wings towards is japanistan, cause as it is my understandin that these peeple dun had some problimz with some newkiller-powered urthquakes of the sunommie variety, bought and payd for by the sunommunist pardy.
i aint ignerint and i reed the papers; i know thurz a war going on there an its danjerouser than shit. but i’ll make sure to bring my collection of firearms and distribute them to my frenz in the yakuza in case they need any help protecting me. i’ll also make sure to give ’em the lighter ones since they might have trouble holding something heavy like an AK or a 357 degree magnum opus what with the missing pinky and all.
fanally, the last country i’d like to explort before i’m lying face-up in a box for the rest of my laff is the united stapes of amurkle. i’ve been told by everyone i knowd its the graydist country in the whirl, and i’d like to give it a whirl, if you’ll pardon the fun. i’m sure they’d welcome me there as a liberaider, and the first thing i’d do is kiss the statute of libido’s foot, assuming i’m strengthy enough to hoist up that big-ass robe she’s wearing. hell, if jevus was humble enough to lick mary macarena’s foot, i guess i can too, assuming she doesn’t rare back and kick my derned head off for saxshill herassmint.
thanks fer yer tension, fokes. i’m much abliged. raze yer hands if you got any questions, and i’ll get a secret service feller to try to ansur em for yuz, ’cause i don’t know shit about nuthin’. next time i’m gonna give you a list of all the places whoze names i’d like you to mammarize for the eggzam.
god bless you, america, and all the enemies you set out to kill in your free time.
(Editor’s note: The speaker intended the above to read “God bless you, America, and all. . .” as three separate entities, and was not trying to disparage his homeland by accusing it of wanton global mass slaughter, which might smack slightly of flagrant hypocrisy, considering his own prominent role in the destruction–military, economical, educational, spiritual, and otherwise. This is not, by the way, meant as an editorial comment. Unlike some people I know and work for, I don’t get paid enough to have opinions about matters of consequence.)