The suspect is in his mid- to late forties, Caucasian, slightly below average height, and fifteen to twenty pounds overweight. Last seen sitting at a computer in his kitchen, while his Korean wife watches TV on a tiny screen on her phone in bed.
But seriously, folks, my name’s Stew Harmon. I teach English in Seoul, Korea. I love to laugh, read books, draw cartoons, sing, jump up and down on the bed, and see how long it takes for a kitten to shred a necktie. I’ve found that it’s hard to gargle and yodel at the same time, although it’s even more of a challenge to yawn and sneeze simultaneously. It raises both of my eyebrows to know that we’re still living in a world in which some people deny the existence of climate change or the fact of evolution (meet my wife, Jinsoo–at least for the latter item; she is convinced of the reality of global warming, God bless her).
I’m a big fan of Buddha, Shakespeare, Martin Luther King, Vinnie Van Gogh, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Simpsons, Breaking Bad, Herman Melville, Vlad Nabokov, and Camille Paglia. I dig Jesus too, but I don’t think he was the son of God (he wouldn’t think I am either, and he’d be right, so we’re even). I also like Hank Williams and Stevie Wonder, especially the stuff they did together.
I love everyone and everything in the world, except at those times when I can’t stand them, but that’s only because they sometimes remind me of me, even though I’m doing my best to love myself, even though I agree with the Buddha that the self doesn’t exist, which nips the problem in the bud quite nicely.
Animals also rank high on my list of loved ones, though I’m not as big a fan of the group the Animals as I used to be, not that I have anything against them in particular. They just don’t have a wide enough repertoire (while actual animals certainly do).