In an effort to come up with a title for his latest jingoistic, Islamophobic action flick, Clint Eastwood got a lot of suggestions from his script writers before he finally decided to just name the bloody movie after the book it was based on. Which one of the following rejections do you think he might want to use to launch the director’s cut?
Diddler on the Roof
I Come in Peace
How the West Was Lost
I Only Have Ice for You
Lee Harvey Oswald, Eat Your Heart Out
Keep Your Muzzle on the Muslims
From America With Hate
Weapons of Crass Destruction
Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Violence Is Golden
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Predator Drone!
My Bullets Are Your Bullets
I’m the NRA
More Fun Than a Barrel of Democracy
Peekaboo! I Slay You
American Psycho 2
Lie Down And Fight Like A Man
Ready? Aim. . . Expire!
The Accidental Terrorist
Kyle the Vile
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
My Life’s A Video Game
I’m a little concerned about the title Eastwood went with. The word sniper has an unpleasant ring to it. It rhymes with diaper, viper, and wiper. Snipe is an anagram of penis, which is fitting when you consider firearms as phallic symbols (not that that’s a very nice thing to say about your penis, and I believe you owe it–him?–an apology).
But it’s good to know that after reducing the cradle of civilization to a shambles, the United States still knows how to make a refreshing glass of lemonade in the shape of a Hollywood blockbuster movie, transforming the suffering of millions of innocent people into lucrative entertainment.
(By the way, I apologize for the misanthropic tone of yesterday’s entry. When I wrote that I crave the attention of people I respect even less than myself, I was only joking about the lack of respect part. Or half-joking, since it’s true that I find it hard to respect people who build their whole lives around unquestioningly digested falsehoods.
Also, excuse me for getting the name of the Spanish conquistador wrong. I meant to write Hernando Cortez, not Gregorio (a character in the title of a movie starring–if I’m not mistaken, although I probably am once again–Edward James Olmos, star of Miami Vice and the inspirational feel-good real-life heroic teacher flick Stand And Deliver). My apologies to any descendants of Cortez who happen to read this blog.