Do you remember Spy Magazine? It was funny, clever, and hip. It had a retro look. And the people who wrote for Spy weren’t afraid to skewer those in power, including perennial prima donnas like Donald Trump and assorted insufferable celebrities. Their motto was “No Sacred Cows.”
Unfortunately, the operation folded a long time ago, but one of their gems was a piece entitled “Name That Tune, Mr. Spock,” in which the legendary Vulcan of Star Trek fame provided his interpretation of the lyrics of well-known songs. The concept was so engaging, I’ve decided to revive it with a few of my own Spockian takes on songs you might recognize.
To provide you with a challenge, I’ve opted to withhold the original lyrics and song titles until tomorrow’s posts. Feel free to post your guesses in the comments section if you’d like to take a stab at it in the meantime.
As Orsino would say in the opening line of Shakespeare’s (overrated?) Twelfth Night, “If music be the food of love, play on.”
Before you start, keep in mind that in some cases the lyrics in question include not only the title, but part of the refrain as well.
1. “In the event that you were gifted with the capability to decipher the unexposed contents of my consciousness, I guarantee you would find the narrative they entail most engaging.”
2. “Perhaps you could convey to me the sensation produced by your solitary, anomic, anonymous state, which resembles that of a small, peripatetic mineral.”
3. “The tenacity of my affection for your person is the ineluctable concomitant of the biological imperative to propagate the species.”
4. “May the Judeo-Christian deity condone the juvenile human individual who has independently mastered the art of self-sufficiency.”
5. “Please accept my invitation to imbibe intoxicating spirits and copulate in a perfunctory manner as a matter of course.”
6. “One tends not to appreciate the indispensable crystalline liquid source of all life necessary to sustain survival until the subterranean cylindrical space where said beverage is stored is entirely deprived thereof.”
7. “The realization of my own personal mortality is preferable to longevity in light of the latter’s undesirable attendant decrepitude.” (Note: The words here refer to a famous line in the song rather than the title itself.)
8. “The occasional inability to obtain one’s desires is an unfortunate by-product of human experience; however, given the application of sustained effort, one may periodically succeed in achieving the wherewithal to procure satisfactory essentials.”
9. “In the manner of an infrastructural conduit joining two pieces of land separated by an elongated turbulent body of water, I shall assume a recumbent position in order to provide you with vital emotional support in an empathetic manner.”
10. “In the event that you reconsider your decision to abruptly abandon the organism who is currently speaking, I would deem it agreeable if you would correspondingly return to this location with your myriad coital gifts in tow.”
11. “Please inform me of the identity of the person capable of enforcing the cessation of the relentless precipitation in progress.”
I’ll see you tomorrow with the answers!
(By the way, if you’re in need of a laugh, make sure to check out William Shatner’s rendition of “Mr. Tambourine Man” on You Tube. The man clearly missed his calling.)