What To Do In An Emergency

1.  If you’re having a heart attack, make sure to:

A) finish your cigarette.  B)  take a selfie.  C)  eat a cheeseburger.

2.  In the event you cut your hand badly:

A)  take a moment to appreciate what a pretty color crimson is.

B)  run around until you feel woozy.  It’s fun!

C)  remove one of your socks to make a tourniquet.

3.  If you wake up to find the house on fire:

A)  take several long, slow, deep, breaths.  That way you’ll be able to relax.

B)  break out the marshmallows and have a party.

C)  go back to sleep.  You’re probably just having a nightmare.

4.  If somebody sticks a gun in your face:

A)  read him his Miranda rights, then say, “Wait, aren’t you supposed to say these to me?”

B)  Say, “I regret that I have but one life to give for my suburb.”

C)  Look him in the eye and say, “I won’t come visit you in prison.”

5.  If you get hit by a car and the driver is kind enough to stop:

A)  ask, “Why did you do that?”

B)  say, “Thanks–I’ve always wanted to be killed by a Ferrari.”

C)  (if you’re lying on your back) point at the sky and say, “Methinks that cloud looks like a whale.”

6.  If the boat you’re on sinks and you find yourself drowning in the ocean:

A)  ask a fish for directions to the surface.

B)  inhale some seawater to provide yourself with refreshing and revitalizing electrolytes.

C)  find a large piece of plastic trash to hang onto until a Coast Guard cutter appears.

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6 thoughts on “What To Do In An Emergency

  1. 5. If you get hit by a car and the driver is kind enough to stop:
    C) (if you’re lying on your back) point at the sky and say, “Methinks that cloud looks like a whale.”

    I love this! The entire thing was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! WHALE :3

    • Thank you! If you have an off-beat sense of humor, you might want to check out the following Twitter feed: Google “mark peters wordlust” and click the first item on the list. As far as I’m concerned, he’s the funniest person on the Internet these days. And he cranks out joke after joke, day after day.

  2. I think I’d take a selfie during a heart-attack to prove to the doctor that I was having one. Every time I go to the doc with a maladie the symptoms have gone. This’d show him.

  3. That reminds me of my doctor back in the states who tells me I’m over Lyme disease, even though I still occasionally have the same old symptoms, namely joint aches, fatigue, and an undercurrent of nausea, unless that’s just become my characteristic reaction to life. You’d think doctors would want to show a little empathy! Whatever happened to having a good bedside manner? I guess it went out the window with table manners, along with most of the dining room furniture. I hope no one on the street below got hurt. Sorry, guys!

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