1. If you’re having a heart attack, make sure to:
A) finish your cigarette. B) take a selfie. C) eat a cheeseburger.
2. In the event you cut your hand badly:
A) take a moment to appreciate what a pretty color crimson is.
B) run around until you feel woozy. It’s fun!
C) remove one of your socks to make a tourniquet.
3. If you wake up to find the house on fire:
A) take several long, slow, deep, breaths. That way you’ll be able to relax.
B) break out the marshmallows and have a party.
C) go back to sleep. You’re probably just having a nightmare.
4. If somebody sticks a gun in your face:
A) read him his Miranda rights, then say, “Wait, aren’t you supposed to say these to me?”
B) Say, “I regret that I have but one life to give for my suburb.”
C) Look him in the eye and say, “I won’t come visit you in prison.”
5. If you get hit by a car and the driver is kind enough to stop:
A) ask, “Why did you do that?”
B) say, “Thanks–I’ve always wanted to be killed by a Ferrari.”
C) (if you’re lying on your back) point at the sky and say, “Methinks that cloud looks like a whale.”
6. If the boat you’re on sinks and you find yourself drowning in the ocean:
A) ask a fish for directions to the surface.
B) inhale some seawater to provide yourself with refreshing and revitalizing electrolytes.
C) find a large piece of plastic trash to hang onto until a Coast Guard cutter appears.