The first time I ever learned about the power of nature was when I got thrown off the small boat I was sailing through a storm at sea. The second time was a moment later when a Great White shark bit my arm off at the shoulder.
I never believed in love until I met Lucinda; she believed in it till she met me.
Any experienced airline pilot will tell you it’s stupid to fire a gun on board a jet plane. . . okay?
Have you ever been buried alive? Neither have I, but I really need to clean my room.
What to wear on a first date is not so much a matter of life and death as common sense–any ideas?
Imagine how I felt when I saw that the person to give me my driving test was none other than Hawk McCurdle, the school bully. Luckily, I was drunk enough to relax.
Hitchhiking is the only way to travel, unless you have enough money to afford any other way.
If you’re in a foreign country and there’s no one around you can either talk to or understand, odds are you might learn that country’s language. You also get to talk to yourself in public with impunity and guaranteed privacy.
Tired of wearing glasses that got fogged up, dusty, lost, or broken, I said to the doctor as he turned on the laser, “Okay, Doc, go ahead and slice the old eyeballs open, kiddo.”
When my dentist asked me why I had so many fillings in my teeth, I said, “When I was a kid, I drank a whole swimming pool full of Coca-Cola.” That’s when he realized I was full of shit.
She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Unfortunately, her boyfriend felt the same way, and he had chainsaws for arms.
I learned taekwondo the hard way, by getting beaten up by a black belt who used me to show the rest of the class how qualified he was in the art of self-defense. He said, “Later on, you’ll thank me for this,” and punched me in the larynx.
You can’t go wrong if you make a shopping list before going to the supermarket; just make sure it’s under three hundred pages long.
Frank Sinatra wanted to wake up in a city that never slept; that way he could feel less unconscious about having chronic insomnia.
The cowboy rode his horse all the way across the plain, thinking, “You know, I ought to buy a car.”
Driving in your sleep is much more dangerous than lying peacefully in bed to your wife.
No one can say for sure what causes nightmares, but boy are they scary!
For centuries scientists have argued about whether the proper way to eat pizza is by inserting the tip into your mouth with the cheesy side up, or folding the slice in half so that it becomes more like a large, floppy, triangular sandwich.
My luck is so bad, when I open my umbrella, it rains on me.
In a race between a kitten and a chicken across a kitchen floor, always go with the critter that slept better the night before.
I had never sung a song on a stage in front of a crowd of strangers before, and I wasn’t about to start now, especially what with the airliner getting ready to crash into the stadium and all.
Training a dog to catch a Frisbee demands a lot of patience–on the part of the dog.
It’s never easy to decide what kind of mobile phone to buy, but stealing one is a snap.
Do you know any spiders who are afraid of heights?