(Lynne and her boyfriend Dick Cheney are sitting on a bench in her back yard. It’s spring time, and the flowers are in bloom. Love, naturally, is in the air.)
Lynn
You’re such an asshole, Dick. That must be why I love you so much. I’ve always had a thing for assholes.
Dick
Me too, honey. I have lofty dreams for both of us. Together we can take over the world and crush it in our bear hands.
Lynn
Do you think we can save the human race from itself?
Dick
Even better. I see you becoming the president of the most lucrative weapons dealer the world has ever known.
Lynn
Oh, what a beautiful vision! Tell me more, do!
Dick
Okay. Sit tight, and don’t spill your lemonade on my plaid shorts.
Lynn
We wouldn’t want our Dick to get wet.
Dick
I’d laugh at that if I had a sense of humor. As it stands, I’m a heartless robot, although I am programmed to love only you.
Lynn
I must be the luckiest gal in the world!
Dick
That’s an understatement, Toots. Try the universe–nay, the multiverse.
Lynn
Oh, Dickybird. You know I’ll always be your number one cheerleader.
Dick
Anyway, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me with your gushing blandishments, I will climb the ladder to success over the decades, stepping on a lot of fingers along the way.
Lynn
Dicky Bee, I am so proud of you.
Dick
Well, don’t be. I haven’t done anything yet. This is all conjecture. But I’m possessed of an indomitable self-confidence and an utter dearth of empathy that promises to serve me well in the worlds of both business and politics.
Lynn
And you’re so clever, I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to merge the two.
Dick
You don’t know the half of it.
Lynn
I just hope you’re not going to lose this gorgeous head of hair. I just love running my fingers through your curls.
Dick
I’m afraid that’s inevitable, darling. But it will be a small price to pay. In the words of future Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, “the reason I’m bald is that my brain is so big, it pushes all the hair out of my head.”
Lynn
(laughing) My little choo-choo Dickey-poo! And you say you have no sense of humor.
Dick
(seriously) That wasn’t meant to be a joke.
Lynn
You said you went to see a fortune teller yesterday. What did she tell you?
Dick
Well, she looked at my palm after wiping it several times.
Lynn
Why did she have to wipe it? Had you run out of toilet paper?
Dick
Ha-ha. Remind me to laugh at gunpoint. She saw so much blood on both of my hands, it took her a long time to find the lines in my palms.
Lynn
And what did she see–er, say?
Dick
She saw me as the leader of a great empire.
Lynn
Oh, goody! That will make me an empress!
Dick
Yes, she said you would impress people too.
Lynn
(giggling) You’re such a card, my little Dicky-pie. Go on.
Dick
She saw me making a killing in more ways than one, as a man who both kills and drills for oil.
Lynn
Chills! Thrills! Oil and blood spills!
Dick
Take a quaalude, Shakespeare. There’s only one catch.
Lynn
What’s that?
Dick
She said my boss will be a moron.
Lynn
Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. I’m sure you’ll be able to get him to do your bidding.
Dick
(chuckling, albeit reluctantly) That’s true. Torture does have its charms.
Lynn
We’re going to be so happy together, Richard Bruce Cheney. I simply cannot wait to win the war against the world.
Dick
Neither can I. I’d jump out of my seat if I weren’t feeling so uptight. As a matter of fact, I’m so overjoyed I think I might even be having a heart attack.
Lynn
Oh, no! Not again!
(Dick clutches his chest and grimaces. He makes a sound like an angry pirate, keels over, and tumbles to the ground.)
Lynn
Help! Someone help my Dick! My God, sweetheart, are you all right?
(Dick gets up and brushes himself off.)
Dick
Don’t worry, angel-drawers. I was only faking it.
Lynn
(wagging a finger at him) Now you be careful about that kind of behavior, young man! Who do you think you are anyway, Marlon Brando? Besides, it’s dangerous. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Dick
Only I’ll be The Boy Who Cried Terrorist.
Lynn
Dick Cheney, I am terribly in love with you, mister!
Dick
Me too, honey. Me too. Now let’s go for a ride on my scooter. After that we’ll get some cherry cokes at the diner and go to the hop.
Lynn
Very well, my lovably loquacious Lothario.
Dick
You’re cuter than Cupid, honey.
Lynn
He fried my heart with a Lockheed-Martin flamethrower. It waits for you to eat it like a charred, smoldering marshmallow on a stick.
Dick
I shall do so apace, good lady, as soon as we’ve each devoured a burger or two.
Lynn
And who says there’s not enough love in this world?
Dick
Sour grapes for sore losers. If I live long enough to rip someone’s heart out of his chest–since I haven’t got one–it will belong to you.
Lynn
I will eat them right before your eyes–
Dick
Please don’t eat my eyes. They give my glasses something to do.
Lynn
–so everyone knows it’s mine.
Dick
We’ll be as happy as Iago* and Lady Macbeth, the match poor old Shakespeare didn’t live long enough to light.
Lynn
I’m ready to go for a toot on your scooter now, Skipper.
Dick
Okay, Libby–I mean, Lynn. Get on board, my pretty little hostage. This thing ain’t built for kids.
Lynn
(jealously) Who’s Libby?
Dick
Just a slip of the tongue, honey–I promise.
Lynn
All right. I trust you. How could I not? Look at that sweet, innocent face. Please drive safely, okay? But not too safely–you know how much I love to live dangerously.
Dick
You backed the right hearse.
(And off they go with a muted roar, Lynn’s hair trailing behind her in the breeze like the fire of a burning Iraqi oil field being blown over by the breeze, Dick’s countenance as impassive as the facade of the Federal Reserve building.)
FIN (del Mundo?)
* I got the analogy from New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd. Please don’t sue me for plagiarism, Ms. Dowd. But if you must, contact my wife, as she’s got all my money. As you implied by the title of your last book, I guess we men just aren’t necessary.
Apologies to any perfectionists for some of the anachronisms in the story. I inserted them for humor’s sake, not to willingly distort good old reality, whatever that is.
harmonioustew 