What the Critics Are Saying About Death

“So riveting, you won’t be able to leave the theater!”       Vincent Canby, The New York Times

“Two thumbs way, way down!”         Siskel and Ebert, together again, for eternity, Chicago Tribune

“If you think life is boring, wait till you get a load of death!”  Pauline Kael, The New York Times

“This movie is so painfully long, you’ll get the feeling it will never end.  In fact, it won’t!”

                                                       Alexander Woolcott, The New York Times

“What the hell am I doing here?  I don’t like snowboarding, and I’ve never even been to Switzerland!”

                                                       Eddie Murphy, likehellimdead.com

“Come up and see me some time.”  Mae West, the movies

“The problem with heaven is that God keeps giving you these math quizzes to take.  Even though they’re very simple and easy to do, your pencil keeps breaking.  I tell you, it’s a terrible nuisance.”

                                                        Jonathan Winters, the Outer Limits

“I used to believe in heaven, but now that I’m here, I have to admit it’s hell.”     Richard Pryor

“Well, folks, I’m surprised as well as delighted to tell you that I made it to heaven after all.  All I can say is it pays to have connections.  God bless you, Henry Ford!”

                                                       Adolf Hitler, former German Chancellor

“Yeah, that lucky piece of shit gets to go to heaven while I rot down here in hell.  What did I do wrong besides carpet-bomb Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia for months and years on end, and help orchestrate a successful coup against that commie punk Allende?  Okay, so I wiretapped a few Democrats and came across as a paranoid, homophobic, antisemitic bigot.  Big deal!  Hey, didn’t I break the ice with China, create the EPA, and pass the Clean Air Act?  (Granted, I was kicking and screaming all the way on those last two; I probably wouldn’t have even gone through with it if Kissinger hadn’t kept tickling me.)  Mao Zedong, now there’s a man you could get behind.  And what a great ass!”

                                                      Richard M. Nixon

“Thanks, Tricky Dick.  As Jackie Gleason would say, ‘Baby, you’re the greatest!'”

                                                      Mao Zedong

“Hey, don’t quote me, you genocidal son of a bitch!”

                                                       Jackie Gleason

“Whoah!  Let’s not knock genocide.  I view it as a valuable public service.”

                                                        The Grim Reaper, always in business

“How did I end up in hell, God?  I guess it’s because I used to beat my kids.”

                                                         Bing Crosby

“You’re partly right, Bing.  But the main reason was ‘White Christmas.'”


“Give me a break, God.  At least I never sang ‘Hotel California.'”

                                                          Bing again

“Don’t worry, Bingo.  Don Henley will be joining you eventually and you’ll get to hear him perform the song ‘live’–if you’ll forgive the irony–over and over again, for the rest of your death.”

                                                          God again

“Remind me to dust off my vocal cords so I can defend myself by breaking out ‘White Christmas’ again.”


“Glad I won’t be there to endure that musical duel.”


“Oh, piss off.  You’re not such a great golfer yourself, God.”


“Just for that, I’m not going to send Satan those earplugs I’d set aside for you.”


“Prick.”           Bing

“Feeling’s mutual.”          God

“I’ll take those earplugs, God.”      Jesus

“Oh, you’re so cute when you suffer.”     God





3 thoughts on “What the Critics Are Saying About Death

    • that’s a good post. it reminds me a little of joe frank’s take on the nativity story in his “somewhere out there” radio show, as well as larry david of “curb your enthusiasm” fame eating his wife’s nativity cookies. cheryl: ”you ate the whole nativity scene!” larry: “i’m sorry! i thought they were animal crackers.” pa-in-law: ”you even ate the baby jesus!” larry: ”i thought he was a monkey!”

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