Q) What did Mary say to the three kings who came bearing precious gifts for her newborn baby son what’s-his-name?
A) “Thanks a lot for the frankincense and myrrh, but what the fuck are we supposed to do with all this gold shit?”
Q) What kind of cigarettes did Frank Sinatra smoke?
A) Frankincense, of course.
Q) What did Joseph say when the three wise men brought “his” baby Jesus, future King of the Jews and mascot of the Christian faith, Frankenstein, gold, and myrrh?
A) “So that’s what Junior’s going to look like some day!”
Q) How was Mickey Mouse murdered?
A) He was beaten to death with a Mickey Mouse club.
Q) What did James Bond say to the guy sitting next to him in the ejection seat of the Aston Martin he was driving?
A) A. “Kindly buckle up.” B. “How do you like the sun roof?” C. “No guns in the car, please.”
Q) What’s the one thing Batman failed to sell when he had a tag sale?
A) The bat computer.
Q) What does Bill Gates’ butler Alfred call his boss?
A) Master Gates.
Q) What’s Abercrombie’s partner’s name?
A) Buck U. Fitch.
Q) What did George W. Bush say when Laura asked him if he wanted to watch Laverne and Shirley on TV?
A) “No, come on. Let’s watch Husky and Starch. Can we? Can we?”
Q) What did Tom Cruise say when Scientology dictator David Miscavige told him to cease any further contact with apostate and “suppressive person” Katie Holmes?
A) “Cool, but do you think you could score me some more thetan repellent in the meantime?”
Q) What did the doctor who delivered the baby to the parents of the current Scientology chairman say as soon as their little yowling red bundle of joy was born?
A) “I’m afraid you’ve had a Miscavige.”
Q) What did Kim Jongun’s aunt say when she found out her nephew had had her husband shot?
A) “That boy’s gotta cut back on the kimchi.”
Q) What did Dennis Rodman say?
A) “He has a wounded inner child that needs nurturing and love.”
Q) How did Lyndon Johnson respond when he heard Bob Dylan ask on the radio, “How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?”
A) “Do you mean Texas roads or Washington roads?”
Q) What did Henry Kissinger say when he heard that popular Chilean president Salvador Allende had committed suicide during the CIA-backed coup d’etat that installed School of the Americas graduate General Augusto Pinochet for a 17-year reign of terror?
A) “What a waste of a perfectly good assassination opportunity.”
(If you read the above joke out loud, make sure to lower your voice to a deadened, robotic, reptilian, nasal monotone before delivering the punchline if you want to achieve the maximum impact.)
Q) What did Dick Cheney say when he learned he’d be receiving a new heart from an expired donor?
A) “It’s about fucking time.”
Q) Why is Dick Cheney still such a sourpuss after all these years?
A) He’s never gotten over being passed up for the part of the Penguin in the second Tim Burton-directed Batman movie. (Hence also his irrational envy of and hatred for Danny DeVito.)
Q) How did the mirror reply when the Wicked Queen in Snow White asked, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of the mall?”
A) “Whatever!” (Please adopt a Valley Girl’s voice for this one.)
Q) What did John Lennon say to Mark David Chapman when the born-again Christian psychopath asked him to autograph his book for him?
A) “The Catcher in the Rye? What are you reading that adolescent twaddle for? Is the Bible too boring for you?”
Q) What did John Lennon say when Harry Nilsson told him, “I can’t live if living is without you”?
A) “Look, mate, I like getting pissed as much as the next bloke, but I can hear Yoko blowing the dog whistle already.”
Q) What did Josef Stalin say when he heard that Hitler was responsible for the deaths of six million Jews?
A) “That man has no respect for human life. That’s what I love about him!”
Q) What did Mao Zedong say when he heard that the Great Leap Forward (sic) had led to the deaths of forty million Chinese citizens?
A) “You’re not trying hard enough, people!”
Q) What song did Bruce Springsteen write for Barack Obama to help with his re-election campaign?
A) A. “Born to Drone.” B. “Carcass on the Edge of Town.” C. “Mournin’ the USA.” D. “Gory Daze.”
E. “Blinded by the Might.” F. “Plunder Road.” G. “Sheets of Fire.” (About the U. S. Constitution.)
H. “Throwin’ Up.” I. “Bleeding Across the River.” J. “Cracked Streets.” K. “Dandy’s Room.” L. “I Move It All Right.” (Meaning: “I move everything to the right”–well, almost everything.)
Q) What was John McCain’s favorite TV show as a young man?
A) That One.*
(*For those of you too young to remember, or who didn’t waste as much time as I did watching television in those days, there was a sitcom in either the late ’60’s or early ’70’s starring Marlo Thomas called That Girl. Now you can laugh.)