The Needy Deity

(God finds Abraham tending his flock and approaches him.)

God

Abraham, Satan said you love Isaac more than me.

Abe

That’s not true, God.  You know you’re my number one, my one and only, my main squeeze, as it were.

God

I don’t believe you.  And you don’t believe in me.  (God starts crying.)

Abe

God, baby, please don’t cry.  What can I do to make you feel better, sweety?  I’ll do anything.

(God looks up shyly with teardrops clinging to his eyelashes like early morning dew on blades of grass.)

God

(coyly) Really?  Anything?

Abe

Anything, Goddy-woddy, for little old you, poopy-shoes.

God

That’s so sweet.  Would you even kill Isaac for me?

Abe

What?!  I’m not going to kill Isaac!  He’s my only son!

God

All right, hold on a sec.  Okay, okay, okay.  I know that sounds like a lot to ask.  I’ll tell you what, Abe.  What if I make a deal with you?

Abe

What kind of deal?

God

Let’s say I agree to kill my only son–

Abe

What do you mean?  You don’t even have a son!

God

Surely you jest.  You, Sarah, Isaac–you are all my children.

Abe

Well, maybe figuratively speaking.

God

So let’s say my wife and I have a boy a little later on in the story–

Abe

Wife?  And who exactly would that be?  I didn’t realize you were married.

God

Stop interrupting, asshole!

Abe

Sorry.

God

I promise you I’ll eventually have a son and have him killed for you, okay?  Then will you bump off Isaac?

Abe

God, you’re a psychopath!  Why would you do such a thing?  And why is it so important to you that I slay my son?  Are you out of your mind?

God

No, I’m just God.

Abe

Like the oxymoron.  Besides, even if you did make a son and kill him for me, you could always squeeze out another one afterwards.  For you it’s a snap.  Me, on the other hand?  I’m 752 years old.  Sarah’s only a few years younger. If I knock her up again, our baby would more likely resemble Cerberus than the fine boy I’ve already sired.

God

Oh, Abie, you’re no fun anymore.  Remind me to rub out any president named after you.

Abe

Fine.  Just please don’t make me murder my son.

God

Thou art such an ingrate.  All right, I’ll tell you what.  I’ll make a deal with you.  Either you brain Isaac with a rock or unseam him from the nave to the chops with your sharpest knife, or I’ll sic a swarm of man-eating bullfrogs on you and have them devour you and your whole family.

Abe

Jesus Fucking Christ, God!  You are the biggest putz I’ve ever met.

God

You know the old song–“You Always Hurt the One You Love.”

Abe

You’re the one who wrote it.  Very well.  Give me a time, date, and exact location and I’ll do the kid in for you.  But after that, no more bullshit.  Are we clear?

God

Oh, Abraham, you are the most adorable little mortal I’ve ever given birth to.

Abe

And you’re the most insecure, emotionally manipulative, uncompromising fascist in the universe.

God

Oh, Abie, behave!  I love it when you play hard to get.

Abe

Go fuck yourself, Yahweh.

(Abraham leaves, cursing under his breath and stamping the ground like a spoiled child.)

God

Don’t forget to know thyself well too, Abe!  And tell Sarah the big guy in the sky says hi!

Abe 

Tell her yourself, wanker!

 

(Thanks to Louis C. K. for giving me the idea for this story.  May God bless him and his two daughters–without making any unreasonable demands of the conscientious father and busy comedian.)

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2 thoughts on “The Needy Deity

  1. Stu, I fear a mighty smite for laughing out loud at this. Especially, “And you’re the most insecure, emotionally manipulative, uncompromising fascist in the universe.” Totally omnipotent writing.

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