Aqua Man Vs. The Human Torch

Q) What did Aqua Man say to him when she saw him digesting the fish he’d eaten for dinner in his transparent abdomen?

A) “Ahm, sorry but that’s just a little bit too much information for me, honey.”

Q) Why couldn’t the Human Torch find a job in his hometown?

A) They already had enough firemen.

Q) What did the Human Torch say when a self-immolating Vietnamese Buddhist monk claimed he was cramping his style?

A) “Hey, just trying to help out.”

Q) What were the names of the twin superheroes who sprang into being when Aqua Man gave the Human Torch a hug?

A) Steam Boy and Smoke Girl.

Q) Why did Aqua Man lose his summer job working at the beach as a life guard?

A) The swimmers thought he was trying to drown them.

Q) Why does Aqua Man always remember to bring an umbrella when it calls for rain?

A) He doesn’t want to put on weight.

Q) What did Aqua Man’s mother say when he said he was going for a swim in their neighbors’ pool?

A) “Careful not to lose yourself in the water.”

Q) What did the Human Torch’s boss at the library say to him after he accidentally incinerated the place?

A) “Not to sound redundant, but you’re fired.”

Q) Why did the Human Torch spend so much time sitting and drinking by himself at his favorite bar?

A) He missed his old flame.

Q) What did the Human Torch’s friend say to him after the incendiary superhero bummed a cigarette?

A) “Thanks for melting my lighter.”

Q) Why doesn’t the Human Torch like to eat Thai curries?

A) They’re too hot for him to handle.

Q) Why is it always such an ordeal for Aqua Man to take a piss?

A) He never knows when to stop.

Q) What did the Human Torch say when he read an article about children being kidnapped and trafficked in the global slave trade?

A) “That kind of thing just burns me up.”

Q) Why did the Human Torch want to get a closer look at what the Statue of Liberty was holding above her head?

A) He thought they might be related.

Q) Why did the Human Torch’s sister accuse him of being a narcissist?

A) Because he said he could never find a woman who was as hot as he was.

Q) What did Aqua Man say when a friend asked him why he was so upset about having been dumped?

A) “You don’t miss your water till your well runs dry.”

Q) Why did the Human Torch’s girlfriend decide to break up with him?

A) She didn’t approve of his dry sense of humor.

Q) What did the Human Torch’s dad say as the boy prepared to take an indoor group photo of the rest of the family?

A) “You don’t need to use the flash.”

Q) What did Zeus say to the Flash when he met him?

A) “I’m suing you for intellectual property theft.”

(or:  “Thanks for stealing my thunder.”--Your choice of punch lines!)

Q) Why don’t Batman and Robin ever eat out together?

A) They can’t find a place that serves both worms and mosquitoes.

Q) Why did the Air Cop force Wonder Woman to land her see-through jet and write her a ticket?

A) She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

Q) Why does Aqua Man always wear a life jacket when he goes swimming?

A) He has a tenuous hold on his identity.

Q) What did the Human Torch say to Aqua Man when the latter said he was sure that 9/11 was an inside job?

A) “You’re all wet.”

Q) What did Aqua Man say to the Human Torch when Superman accused their fiery friend of being uncool and made him lose his temper?

A) “Oh, don’t be such a hot-head.”

Q) Why is it so hard for Spider-Man to get through a Russian novel?

A) He always loses the thread.

Q) What did James Bond say to Bruce Wayne when the multi-billionaire invited him over for a cocktail party?

A) “Nice pad, mate.  I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.”

Q) What did Commissioner Gordon reply when Batman told him over the phone that he wanted to retire?

A) “You and me both, kid.”

Q) What did Batgirl say to Robin when he asked her on a date?

A) “Wouldn’t Batman get jealous?”

Q) What did Alan Napier, the actor who portrayed Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s butler, on the original Batman TV series, say when he met Michael Caine in heaven a few years from now?

A) “Nice work if you can get it, eh?”

Q) What did Desmond Llewelyn, the original Q, master inventor of deadly weapons, gadgets, and all-purpose vehicular death machines in the first string of James Bond films, say when he met John Cleese in heaven, also a few years from now?

A) “So I gather Monty Python wasn’t good enough for the likes of you?  Thanks for making me look good, you bloody wanker.”

Q) And how did Cleese reply?

A) “Well, that’s the kind of pig ignorance I’d expect from you, you non-creative garbage. . .”

(Note:  The above quote comes from the immortal Freemason-architect-abattoir sketch, which contains one of the most celebrated and articulate rants in Python history, right up there with Eric Idle’s interminable monologue at the travel agency.)

Well, I guess that’s enough jokes for now.  Please let me know if any of them are funny.



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