Hey gang! How the hell are you doing? It’s great to see you. Can you see all my teeth when I smile? I certainly hope so. It’s time to take a break from the usual griping and sniping to count all the wondrous blessings so many of us have. In the mood for sharing? Me too! What a coincidence.
First of all, when you get up in the morning, no matter how early it is, open your window wide and scream, “HELLO, WORLD! I’M HAPPY AS FUCK TO SEE YA!” Then close it and draw the curtains just in case anyone managed to catch the source of that sudden, heart-squeezing outburst.
Then, after you’ve done enough sit-ups to make yourself puke, jump up, skip into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and say, “You talkin’ to me?” It’ll help remind you you’re special. When you shave, clench your teeth to help tighten the muscles in your neck and get rid of that double chin. Stretch all the muscles in your face as you navigate the bumpy terrain with your razor in order to give yourself a sinewy visage.
Ready to brush your teeth? Good on you, mate! Just make sure not to run the tap water as you steer your toothbrush over your smile-bones, and do it the way your dentist showed you, coming up away from the gum tissue to expel the plaque and germs that cause gingivitis. Don’t forget to floss too. It’ll make you sigh with refreshment.
Ready for breakfast? Why not make yourself a three-egg omelette with some grated cheddar cheese? Chop up some garlic and onions and really go to town (not literally–otherwise you’ll come back to a charred mess in your frying pan). The latest in medical research has determined that eggs are good for you, and heck, so are battery cages! What does the mass-suffering of incarcerated chickens have to do with you? Why let it stop you from enjoying a yummy and satisfying treat? Just because the cholesterol isn’t going to dam the flow of blood in your arteries is no reason to feel guilty for the plight of plundered poultry.
After you dispatch your lovingly prepared treat, take a shower with vigorous applications of soap and shampoo, making sure to sing your favorite pop song while you do so. Pretend you’re a famous singer–Mick Jagger, Frank Sinatra, Aretha Franklin–whoever comes to mind–and incorporate James Brown dance steps into your performance (careful not to slip on the wet bathroom tiles).
Once you’ve dried off your portable two-legged temple, select the outfit that says to the world, “This is someone who’s not to be messed with; handle with care or face the consequences.” If that means leaving home wearing nothing but a thong, a balaclava, and in-line skates, so be it.
In the event that you’re someone who has to wear a suit to your daily enslavement, pick one that makes you look like a banker with a gaggle of Congressmen eating from the palm of his hand. Shine your shoes with enough elbow grease to see your reflected face in detail, immaculate pores included.
Or if you’re a woman who wants to look her most beautiful, spend an hour applying make-up and another on your hair. Add a dab of scent manufactured by a company that claims not to experiment on rabbits strapped to a laboratory table, regardless of whether or not those claims are true. Wear fur if you have any; after all, compassion for other species is obsolete–especially since we humans are number one–woo-hoo!–and consistency will get you nowhere.
Now you’re ready to face the world. Wear elbow pads to help you push your way through the crowd, and make sure to bring your coffee thermos so you can load it up with enough caffeinated ammunition to help propel you through the day, all the way to the sunset and the gushing darkness that follows, despite the ample light pollution that infects the city with excitement.
If all that’s not enough to make you feel great, I don’t know what will.
Enjoy it! It’s your life, whether you like it or not.