Q) What did Mohammed Atta announce to the passengers as he prepared to fly into the World Trade Center?
A) “You may be feeling a little turbulence for a moment.”
B) “We’ll be using the drive-thru at Windows on the World for breakfast.”
C) “Does anyone know how to get to JFK from here?”
D) “That Statue of Liberty broad sure gives lousy directions.”
E) “I’m sorry you’re all going to miss the War on Terror.”
F) “I hope Mayor Giuliani has equipped the Manhattan fire department with decent radios.”
G) “I can almost see myself reflected in the window of the building ahead! I appear to be screaming!”
H) “Please make sure that your seat belts are securely fastened and your belongings in the overhead compartments are safely stowed.”
Q) Why did Mr. Spock’s girlfriend finally decide to dump him?
A) He had too much unemotional baggage.
Q) What thought did the dog try to express through his eyes when his human companion kept heckling him to fetch the stick?
A) “I’m sorry, but it’s not my response ability.”
Q) What did Hitler say to Goebbels as they sat having their nails done by Goering?
A) “That Eva can be such a fascist sometimes.”
Q) What did Mark the Shark say on the night the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank?
A) “Woo-hoo! Thank Poseidon the famine is finally over!”
Q) What did Jane say when Tarzan introduced himself to her (“Me Tarzan, you Jane!”)?
A) “No–‘I’m Tarzan, you’re Jane.’ Try not to sound like such a troglodyte, okay? And here’s a book on etiquette you might want to read while you’re at it.”
Q) What did Hank Aaron’s father say when his son cried out, “Hey, Dad! I caught a fish”?
A) “Nice work, son. Now try catching a baseball for a change.”
Q) What did former Nike CEO Phil Knight say when Tiger Woods expressed reservations about promoting a shoe manufacturer that made unabashed use of Asian sweatshop labor?
A) “Just do it.”
Q) What did Buddha do when an apple from the tree he was sitting under fell on his head?
A) He looked up and said, “My name’s Siddhartha Gautama, not Isaac Newton.”
Q) What did Benjamin Netanyahu suggest when Stephen Hawking announced his plan to boycott Israel?
A) “Put him in the electric chair.”
Q) What did Charles Manson say in his defense when prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi asked him why he’d brainwashed a bunch of acid-addled hippies and incited them to commit murder?
A) “I wanted to get back at the establishment, man!”
Q) What did John Major say when Joe Strummer of the Clash asked him for his autograph?
A) “Certainly. By the way, what’s my name?”
Q) What did former Enron executive Jeffrey Skilling say when he received word he’d be getting out of prison ten years early?
A) “It’s only right. The economy needs my help.”
Q) What did Winston Churchill say to Margaret Thatcher when she asked him a question in heaven?
A) “I’m sorry I can’t oblige you, madame, but this is my last cigar.”
Q) What did Moby-Dick say when Jesus stepped on his back while walking on the water?
A) “Don’t tread on me, bro!”
Q) What did O. J. Simpson and Monica Lewinsky say to each other when they met by chance at L.A.X.?
A) “I am so sick of hearing about you!”
Q) What did Clint Eastwood say when he met Barack Obama on a golf course in Bethesda?
A) “Well, if it isn’t the invisible man!”
Q) What did George W. Bush say to his buddy Barack Obama when they visited Arlington National Cemetery together to pay their respects to the American war dead?
A) “This is the greatest miniature golf course in the world, ain’t it, Rocky?”
Q) What did Bush ask while having dinner with the Obama family at the White House?
A) “Y’all got ranch dressing?”
Q) What did Obama reply to Dr. Martin Luther King’s ghost when asked why he’d been the first president in the history of the United States to cut Social Security?
A) “Get a job, preacher!”