We Can’t Work It Out

(Scene:  Twickenham Film Studio, London.  The Beatles are sitting around, taking a smoke break in the course of making both the album and the film Let It Be.  Mrs. John Lennon, alias Yoko Ono, is also present.)

Paul

Hey listen, fellas.  How do you like this one:  “And in the end, the drugs you take/Are equal to the drugs you bake”?

John

Since when do you bake acid?

George

No need to with mushrooms.  Saves energy.

Ringo

I think we should break up.

John

Who asked your opinion?  What are you, Phil Collins all of a sudden?

George

More like Keith Moon.

Paul

For fuck’s sake, Ringo.  You don’t even write any songs.

Ringo

But I’ve sung a couple.

Paul

Well, so have I, in case you haven’t noticed, you bloody wanker.  If you’d like I can even list them in reverse-alphabetical order for you, beginning with “Yesterday.”

George

“All our troubles were so far away.”  Ringo’s right, mates.  All things must past.  Besides, Paul, you and John can be such prima donnas.  The reason we all have to wear shades is the sun shines out of your arse-holes.  

John

Shouldn’t it be “primas donna”?

George

I don’t know; I flunked Italian.  I’m getting a mite sick of seeing the phrase “Lennon/McCartney” after every song listed on our albums.  I’m just as talented as you blokes.

Paul

In your dreams, mate.  As for you, Ringo, you might want to live in a yellow submarine, but the rest of us would prefer to abide in the real world.

George

Provided the grass there remains greener.

Ringo

(to Paul)  I’ve since moved on.  Now I’d just like to be in an octopus’s garden, but not with you.

Yoko

Ringo, you have so many fans.  Everyone will pin the blame on me!

Ringo

Nonsense, Yoko.  They’ll blame John for everything.  They always do, right?

Paul

John, why does she have to sit in on all our recording sessions?  She’s not even in the group.

John

She’s my spiritual advisor.

George

Cut the shite, John.  Damage control–that’s why Yoko’s here, right?

Yoko

What are you talking about, George?  Bakayaro!

George

You know, John.  “I Want You–She’s So Heavy.”

John

Yeah, what about it?  

George

You wrote it for Mama Cass.

John

Ballocks!  The title refers to Yoko, who’s heavy in the sense of being deep.  I mean, even I couldn’t make head or tail out of “Revolution Number 9,” and I was tripping me arse off when we recorded it.

Paul

As I recall, Yoko was stone-cold sober at the time.

Yoko

Of course.  I have no need to contaminate my crystalline consciousness with illicit intoxicants or artificial additives of any kind.

George

That’s got to be the worst song we’ve ever released–hands down.  We should have issued a set of ear plugs with every copy of the White Album.

Ringo

You know, getting back to the original point, I still can’t understand why everyone’s pointing the finger at me for splitting up the band.  It’s all Paul’s fault for being such a control freak.

Paul

Sod off, Ringo!  Who needs you?  I’m going to go on to do greater things than the Beatles have ever done together–just you wait.

Yoko

(closing her eyes) I have a vision of you collaborating with an African-American popular music legend.  The name of the song you record together is. . . “Ebony and Ivory.”

Paul

What a load of rubbish!  No one can predict the future in that much detail.

Yoko

No, wait.  The song is called “The Girl Is Mine,” and the man you sing it with sounds like a girl himself.

John

(chortling)  Next you’ll say I’m on the verge of discovering Jesus.

Yoko

(gravely)  No, but you will see how it felt to be him.

John

“The way things are going, they’re going to crucify me.”

(George Martin, the Beatles’ producer, appears.)

Martin

Since we’re coming up to the end of the decade, the press has asked me if you could sum up your positions–or philosophies, as it were, preferably using lyrics your die-hard fans can recognize and get excited about to increase record sales.

George

(whispering to John)  You should inhale through your nose when you meditate.  It makes it easier to do lines of blow afterwards. (To Martin)  Sorry, what was that, George?  Oh, right:  “So go away, leave me alone, don’t bother me.”

Ringo

“Now it’s time to say, ‘Good night.'”

Paul

“Live and let die.”

(The rest of the band members stare at him.)

Paul

Just something I’m working on.

John

“Limitless undying love that shines around me like a million suns; they travel on and on across the universe.”

Martin

That’s too long.  You know how short kids’ attention spans are these days.  Can you come up with something more succinct?

Paul

Speaking of control freaks.  Hey, John.  How about “I’m a Loser”?

John

Speak for your bloody self, Paul.  All right, Mr. Smarty-Pants Martin.  Write this down:  “Love is all, and love is everyone.”

Martin

That’s much better.  Thank you, gentlemen.  I’ll inform the media.

Ringo

Excuse me, but there’s a lady present.

(Martin bows to Yoko.)

Yoko

I wish you’d all stop looking at me.  I’m not about to burn my bra over such a petty paternalistic oversight.

John

That’s my Yoko.

Paul

(groaning)  Bring me a bucket!

(Here’s the correct version of Paul’s quote at the beginning:  “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”  

Words both heavy and deep.)

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s