And God Created the Earth

In the beginning God created Adam and the dinosaurs.  And Adam chose a dinosaur to be his guide, and threw a saddle on his back, and hopped on top of the animal wearing a cowboy hat made of stones.

And the dinosaur revved up the engine of his motorcycle, whose wheels were made of chickens, and together they clucked and roared down the crystal road to Eden, whose street lights were blinking eyes.

And Eve stood beside the road, sticking out her thumb.  And Adam thought, “Man, is she hot!”  And the Lord agreed, thinking he’d made her very hot indeed.  

And the Lord envied Adam, as he knew the first man he’d created would be joining the first woman in sexual congress, and together they’d be making sexual congressmen and -women in accordance with the Lord’s cordial command to be fruitful and multiply–and make it snappy.

And the Lord said nothing about wearing protection, contraception, or family planning, as the world was practically empty back then and still a relatively nice place to live, apart from all the mosquitoes and muskrat-sized cockroaches and jellyfish that were like great floating stagecoaches drowned in the flood (although God may have mentioned safe sex to Mary when he chose her for recreational festivities many years later, but she either forgot or ignored his request, so that he ended up knocking her up and nine months later she gave birth to Jesus on Christmas Day, 33 B. C., in the little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, right across the street from Jerusalem in Nazareth County).

And the Lord busied himself with persecuting his hapless creations in all sorts of ways, ignoring their feverish prayers and making innumerable finicky demands of them to keep them in their lowly place, making sure they remained subservient, obsequious, groveling dupes spineless enough to believe in him and give him all the credit for their unceasing toil and arduous accomplishments.

But God was still not happy, so he created wars and famines and pestilential plagues.  He made frogs and locusts rain from the skies until the earth was an absolute mess.

And the people quaked before him and kneeled to him with trembling affection and self-abasement, grateful for his capricious and uncalled-for punishment.

They knew he worked in strange ways, and did not question his insatiable appetite for aggression and horrific violence.  They figured he must know what he was doing since they didn’t, and the notion that he might just be a psychotic fascist with a malevolent agenda never occurred to them, or if any inkling of doubt entered their minds, they banished it at once, recognizing criticism of the deity as the sin that it is.

Luckily for them, after God drowned everyone and the human race replenished itself after many generations of sweaty grunting horizontal labors, God turned the laser of his sadism on his own and only son, the future Lord and Savior of the human race (at least according to one bestselling, putative account), and sometime King of the Jews, Mr. Jesus Hortensio Christ.

But that’s a story for another day.


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