Q) What did the Swiss man say when he looked down at the slice of cheese on his plate and saw the face of Christ?
A) “Holy cheeses!”
Q) Why does God drink Coke?
A) He’s so old, he forgot how to make water.
Q) Why did God flood the earth?
A) He forgot where he put his car keys (hint: You left them in the ignition of your Ferrari).
Q) What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite candy bar?
A) Milky Way.
Q) Why did the Grim Reaper choose to take Anna Nicole Smith at such a tender young age?
A) She gave him a boner.
Q) What did the Buddha say when a fan asked him for his autograph?
A) “I’m sorry, but as I have no identity, I also don’t have a name, so I’d have no idea what to write. But I wouldn’t say no to a bite of that grilled cheese sandwich you’re holding.”
Little-known fact: Martin Luther King had a twin brother named Joseph, who earned national fame as a stand-up comic that rivaled the civil rights leader’s place in the spotlight. Once Marty and the lads were hanging out with some young volunteers when the following exchange took place:
MLK: Coretta and I are entertaining the idea of inviting Sheriff Bull Connor over for dinner.
Volunteer: Isn’t that the same sheriff who used fire hoses and German shepherds to stop protesters from marching? You must be joking!
MLK: Actually, my name is Martin. Joe’s my brother.
Q) What did Santa Claus say to Ebenezer Scrooge when he called him on Christmas Day?
A) “Hey, could you cut out all the giving already? You’re cramping my style.”
Q) What did Otis Redding say when he met Lynyrd Skynyrd in heaven?
A) “Well, I guess not every plane crash is a tragedy.”
Q) When asked by one of his interchangeable life-sized Barbie doll sex partners if he was ready for some more action after a Viagra-enriched night of strenuous love-making, what did the publisher and founder of Playboy Magazine reply?
A) “I’m only Hugh, man.”
Q) How did Dick Cheney feel when his pacemaker suddenly came to a halt?
Q) What did Christopher Columbus’s mother tell him when he was a little boy?
A) “One day, you’re going to have a city in Ohio named after you!”
Q) What did Thomas Jefferson say to his biographer when asked how he could reconcile owning 175 slaves when he penned the words “All men are created equal”?
A) “Silly me–I forgot to write all white men. My apologies to the Indian savages too for any misunderstandings.”
(The following joke is a tad lengthy, so it will be marked alphabetically instead of in the “Q” and “A” format. Thanks for your anticipated understanding, forgiveness, and compassion.)
A) What did Sting say when he met Mark “Zucky Baby” Zuckerberg at a party?
B) “If I ever lose my face in you, there’ll be nothing left of me to lose.”
C) And what was Zucky’s riposte?
D) “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.”
E) And what did Stingo say to that?
F) “Driven to Tears, So Lonely, I Can’t Stand Losing You.”
G) And how did El Zuckarillo deliver the coup de grace to the dying bull of New Wave?
H) “Every Breath You Take, I’ll Be Watching You.”
I) And what were the Stingster’s last words?
J) “I’m dreaming of a blue turtle, with every turtle card I write.”
(Sting’s first–and best, in my humble opinion–solo project was called Dream of the Blue Turtles.)
(Okay, back to the old Q & A format for one last groaner.)
Q) What did Erma Bombeck ask herself after accepting an invitation to Brangelina’s dinner party?
A) “If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing at the Pitts’?”
* In reference to the title of this post, as a semi-Buddhist, it’s not exactly accurate, since I don’t believe “I” truly exist as a separate self beyond dependent origination and all that jazz.