The Wizard of Oz: The Director’s Cut (Part One)

(Scene:  Dorothy’s bedroom.  Our heroine is surrounded by loved ones who stand around her in a concerned circle.  Dorothy slowly opens her eyes.)

Dorothy (fervidly)

Auntie Em!  Uncle Henry!  Hickory, Hunk, and Zeke!  You’re all here!  I’m home!  I’m alive!  Everything’s in black and white again!  

Em

Dorothy!  It’s so wonderful to have you back.  Did you have a nice trip?

Dorothy

No!  It was horrible!  But also wonderful.  I made some good friends–and yet–you were all there!  So I guess I was already home after all.

Henry

Well, that’s true, Dorothy.  Look what Aunt Em found next to your bed.  (He holds up a baggie.)  It appears to be some kind of dried mushrooms.

Hickory (Tin Man in Oz)

You ate quite a few of them, Dorothy.  I’m surprised you didn’t give yourself a tummy ache.

Hunk (Scarecrow)

It’s not like you to be so selfish–why didn’t you leave more for us?

Dorothy

Oh, but I didn’t mean to!  Somebody must have made me eat them.  Besides, I don’t even like mushrooms!

Zeke (Cowardly Lion)

I wouldn’t have had the courage to eat them myself.

Em

You still haven’t told us about your trip, dear.

Dorothy

Well, while I was on my way home from seeing the fortune teller to find out if you were all right, there was a twister.

Henry

What twister?

Hunk

That’s twisted.

Dorothy

I made it home, but the house got picked up and dropped off in a strange land.  I landed on a witch and killed her!  I didn’t mean to–honestly!  It just happened.

Hickory

Don’t feel ashamed, Dorothy.  Everyone kills a witch now and then.

Dorothy

Then Glinda, the Good Witch, appeared and told all the little people who lived there that it was okay to come out and get married.

Em 

You must be talking about the Munchkins.

Dorothy

Yes, that’s what they were called!

Hickory

How sad that they had to be turned into deep-fried balls of sugar-coated batter.

Dorothy

Oh, my goodness!  Then another witch appeared.  She said she was the Wicked Witch of the West*, and that the witch that I’d killed was her sister, the Wicked Witch of the East.

Zeke 

Why don’t families stick together anymore?

Dorothy

She looked just like Miss Gulch, only she was green.  She wanted her sister’s ruby slippers, but Glinda moved them to my feet.  When the witch threatened to murder me there and then, Glinda said she had no jurisdiction in Munchkinland.  Then the witch said to me:  “I’ll get you, my pretty!  And your little dog, too!”

Hickory

I wonder why she was green.

Hunk

Maybe she was seasick from flying her broomstick through the twister.

Em

So did she hurt you?

Dorothy

It’s a long story, Auntie Em.  I’ll have to fill you in on the details later, after I’ve had some chocolate.  The main thing is that she turned into a mound of dust when I put out the fire on the scarecrow’s burning arm with a bucket of water.  He looked a lot like you, Hunk.

Henry 

You’re getting ahead of yourself, little girl.  It’s impolite of you to confuse your audience like that.

Em

Henry, please!  Dorothy, there’s one thing you should know before you get some more bed-rest:  Miss Gulch is dead.  

Dorothy

Oh, no!  I didn’t mean to kill her, I swear!  Will I go to jail now?

Hunk

Of course not, Dorothy.  It was an accident.  Besides, you’re a minor.

Dorothy

Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

Zeke

You must be thinking of Texas.  And if you committed manslaughter there, they wouldn’t lock you up; they’d probably just execute you.

(Hickory suddenly appears to Dorothy as the Tin Man, only with one difference:  he looks like Barack Obama with silver make-up on.)

Tin Man (singing)

I would stop the Israelis from bombing Gaza, if I only had a heart.

Dorothy

Tin Man, how did you get here?  And I thought the wizard already gave you a heart!

Em

It’s just Hickory, darling.  You’re only having a flashback.

Dorothy

Auntie Em, won’t you tell me what happened to Miss Gulch?

Henry

After you’ve gotten some more rest, Dorothy.  There’ll be plenty of time for you to hear what happened to Old Gulchy when you wake up.

(TO BE CONTINUED.)

* The original w.w.w.

 

 

 

 

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