Hi! I’m here to tell you how you can make the world an even better place.
1. Have lots of kids. The sooner the better, the more the merrier. Heck, have them while you’re young, preferably while you’re still a teenager. That will help you empathize with them and narrow the generation gap.
2. If you’re the leader of a country that has nuclear weapons, re-distribute them evenly throughout the world to individual care-takers, making sure that each recipient takes a six-week course on maintenance and use of his trusty new earth-shattering device. This might help prevent accidental wars or attacks–possibly even intentional ones.
3. When driving a car, use the force. Drive fast; it saves time. Close your eyes, undo your seatbelt, and roll your shoulders, swiveling your head on your neck. Take a deep breath and relax, even as you press the gas pedal to the floor with all your strength. If you do happen to crash into someone else, smile and let go of your fears. Life is short.
4. If you’re a soldier, engage in friendly fire at the earliest opportunity. In fact, you might want to polish off a general or two while you’re at it. That way you could even hasten the end of the war, assuming you don’t mind being court-martialed and hanged on national television.
5. Don’t spank your children. Let me do it. I’ve got a special technique that I promise will straighten them out.
6. If your son is a bully, call me. I’ve got a forest for him to clear-cut.
7. The best place to empty your trash is directly into the ocean. Look, that’s where it’s going to wind up anyway, so you might as well cut to the chase. The fish would thank you if they could speak.
8. Play to win. If you lose, thrash your opponent until he forfeits his victory.
9. Express no emotions that convey anything that could be construed as feminine or weak, including but not limited to wistfulness, whimsy, giddiness, goofiness, or gratitude. Remember, the world revolves around you. Let it do its thing.
10. Remind everyone you meet that you’re the best at everything you do. Give them no quarter. If they disagree, know that they’re just envious. Scoff at them freely and gloat.
I hope these tips help you make it through your day. Cheers!