When Poseidon Met Christ

When Poseidon Met Christ

(based on a true story)

 

Q)  What did Poseidon say when he saw Jesus walking on the water?

A)  “Get the hell off my property or I’m calling the police!”

Q)  What did Jesus reply?

A)  “I forgive you for upholding the law.”

Q)  And what did Poseidon say to that?

A)  “Oh, it’s only you, Jesus.  Carry on.  Nice trick, by the way.  I’ll bet you can’t turn into a swan though.”

Q)  And what was the Christ’s retort?

A)  “You’re a has-been, Poseidon.  This is my sea now.”

Poseidon

If thou speakst in such a way further, thy ass is grass.

Jesus 

Why are you talking like that?

Poseidon

I’m just trying to employ a tongue thou shalt fathom.

Jesus

Lay off the Bible, dude.  Do it for my sake.  I don’t talk like that.  And I’m not a lame-ass white boy like you.

Poseidon

Thou soundst white.  Alas, it’s all Greek to me.

Jesus

What do you mean?  You are Greek.

Poseidon

Thou speakst the truth.  Hence, I diggeth all thy utterances fully.

Jesus

Well, I wish you’d talk like a regular adult.  The way you rap is frickin’ weird.

Poseidon

Thine own vernacular likewise smackst of oddity.  Mine trusty steed doth snort contemptuously at thy effrontery.

Jesus

Hey man, what are you doing with that shotgun?

Poseidon

Defending my sacred domain from trespassers and sparing thee the ignominy of thy cruel father’s plans to crucify thee.

Jesus

Thou art hip.  I dig thy gist.  Fire at will.

Poseidon

Now you’re speaking my language.  (Shoots him.)

(Jesus is blown to bits and eaten by a smorgasbord of tuna, swordfish,, and sharks.  Moments later, he reassembles himself and appears where he stood before.)

Jesus

See you in has-been heaven, Posy.

Poseidon

Wouldn’t that make thee a has-been too?

Jesus

Ask Fred Nietzsche.  I’ve got to go make and drink a shitload of wine with your brother Dionysus and his wild and crazy babes.

Poseidon

Gotcha, bro.

Jesus

Now you’re starting to sound like me.  Nice work.  By the way, while I was taking a dip a few minutes ago I spotted an extra-large mermaid making love to a white sperm whale.

Poseidon

Oh, that’s just Tina.  She and Moby-Dick have got a thing going on.

Jesus

Captain Ahab must be jealous.  She’s quite a looker.

Poseidon

Thou knowest thy shit.  That’s why the poor Quaker can’t get it up anymore.

Jesus

That must make him feel more like a Shaker.

Poseidon

If he does ought to molest that poor whale further, the briny deep shalt be his grave.

Jesus

Lighten up, dude.  He’s just suffering from a lethal back-up of testosterone lodged in his brain.

Poseidon

Perhaps I can persuade one of my Polynesian princess friends to enlighten him with her myriad feminine charms.

Jesus

Hey, could you introduce me to one too?  Since you blew me away with that shotgun I could use a massage.

Poseidon

Only if thou canst vow to reciprocate.  These delicious delirium-inducing tropical denizens are hardly shrinking violets, amigo.

Jesus

Of course, my bearded aquatic colleague.  As you may know, I’m a wicked sensitive individual and staunch defender of women’s rights.

Poseidon

I’m told the Holy Ghost, the female member of the divine love triangle, or Holy Trinity, as you call it, is woman enough to keep both you and Yahweh on your toes.

Jesus

And my mother Mary is no one to shake a remote control device at either.  Your brother Zeus had better not try any of that Leda and the Swan stuff on her if he doesn’t want his balls to wind up in his throat.

Poseidon

Doth swans have balls?

Jesus

Ever since Pop raped her, she’ll brook no argument from overly possessive male deities, not to mention mortal Viagra-dependent white-haired Frenchmen with black eyebrows.

Poseidon

Thanks for the warning.  Tell her my sisters wouldst groove most heavily to meet her.

Jesus

Thy wish is my command, escudero.  And now, my saline solution-sailing friend, I must be going.

Poseidon

Try not to kick up too much of a wake so thou disturbst not the loons.

Jesus

Wouldn’t want to make waves on “that dolphin-torn, that gong-tormented sea.”

Poseidon

Whatever you say, Bill Yeats.

Jesus

Peace be with you, Lord of the Sea.

Poseidon

Enjoy eternal salvation yourself, Christian King of the Jews.

(Jesus considers saying “God be with you,” but at the last moment decides against the self-referential pun.)

Jesus

Incidentally, I’m a big fan of the Greek myths.

Poseidon

Have you read Nikos Kazantzakis’s The Last Temptation of Christ?  It’s about you!

Jesus

But of course.  That was my first consulting job.

(They finally part when Poseidon spies Moses carving a lane through the waters.  Jesus pulls a pair of wings out of his back, waving to someone off-stage.)

Jesus

Thanks for hooking me up, Icarus!  I’ll get them back to you next Thursday!

Icarus

Just don’t do what I did and fly too close to the sun!

Jesus

What are you talking about?  I am the son!

Icarus

(rolling his eyes)  Oh, brother.

 

 

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