Gosh, what’s the date? Oh, my goodness! How about that? It’s Tuesday, September the Eleventh, 2012, exactly eleven years after that stupid terrorist attack against the United States that that country’s politicians and pundits haven’t stopped talking about ever since (but how could they, in this post-911 world? Never mind that a hell of a lot of people have also been dying in other countries since then, and mountains of them died before, but when one of us Americans dies, gee whillickers, man, it just hurts God’s feelings that much more, doesn’t it? Not that the only people who died on 9/11 were Americans, thank Satan).
What a relief that good old Uncle Sam responded to the wake-up call he received on that day, reversing his aggressive foreign policy (which had only become that much more feverish after the end of the Cold War, anticipated “peace dividend” notwithstanding) and dismantling the hundreds of military bases that infect the face of the earth like so many inflamed pimples.
It’s certainly refreshing that we didn’t go in and invade and occupy either Afghanistan or Iraq, taking bin Laden’s bait, compounding the problem with even more gratuitous violence; he wouldn’t have wanted us to wreck our economy by over-investing in military spending, or to gut the laws that had been keeping us relatively free for so long and turn our beloved country into a nightmarish, thug-worshipping, surveillance-addled police state.
Thank heavens we had the good sense not to engage in torture, so sniffily illegalized by the Geneva Conventions after the kerfuffle of World War II, and that we no longer export prisoners to countries that still practice torture–after all, practice makes perfect!
And it’s a darned good thing we’ve banned land mines and gotten some counseling for our special relationship with Israel, handing them a fig leaf instead of encircling the Palestinians with a wall and sucking up the remains of their water supply as a prelude to the Second Coming of Christ as promised in the Book of Revelation.
Thank God we haven’t employed our advanced technology to litter the sky with aerial Predator and Reaper drones that pick off the baddies by remote control–near-misses and accidental snuffings-out of innocent bystanders be damned–phew!
Most of all, let us be grateful that my people and our fearless, ever-so- wise, un-paranoid leaders have had the wherewithal, fortitude, and decency to abolish nuclear weapons instead of letting them proliferate, or flooding the seas with aircraft carriers and giant submarines bearing rockets that bristle with baby missiles, enough for each one to hit four hundred different targets around the globe at a pop–that’s my kind of genocidal orgasm!
God bless America, and thanks ever so much for making the world a safer, richer, cleaner, happier place.