Q) Why did James Bond track down and kill Dorothy’s aunt in The Wizard of Oz?
A) Because she was anti-M.
Q) Why are American schoolbuses, pencils, and processed cheese all the same shade of yellowish orange?
A) What else could we do with all those leftover marshmallow circus peanuts?
Q) Why was Robert DeNiro passed over when he auditioned to play Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz?
A) In the scene for which he tried out, responding to the hologram of Auntie Em crying (although, let’s face it, without much conviction–no wonder you didn’t see that actress in any other movies), “Dorothy! Where are you? Come home!”, DeNiro ad libbed, “You talkin’ to me?”
The other day I saw a woman wearing just the frames of glasses, with no lenses in them. I guess she was trying to be fashionable (I must say, she was rather tidy–though I shouldn’t talk that way about my students’ mothers). But it still pissed me off since I have to wear real glasses. I wouldn’t be able to ogle her without them. I was even a little offended. It’s like someone who can walk riding around in a wheelchair just because they think it makes them look cool.
As the plane was crashing, I took a picture of my screaming brother, who stubbornly refused to smile.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Albert Einstein
I don’t know about that; I imagine it’s true.
Yesterday I caught my son looking at porn on his smart phone. Lucky for him I was standing right under his tree house.
The leper can’t change his spots (sorry–that one’s out of line).
The other day I saw a book on military survival strategies written by a guy named Dick Couch. Can you imagine needing a couch for your dick? A lot of guys are insecure about being too small in that department, but Jeeze Louise. Who are you going to get to go on a date with you? The Statue of Liberty?
I heard that John Bobbitt–who couldn’t ask for a more apt last name–after his wife Lorena lopped his weenie off for being such a weenie, considered changing his name to Dick Ouch.
Have you heard of a book by Joseph Nye called Understanding International Conflicts? I like the title. Israel: I know you guys need water, but we have just have to take your land away. Palestine: That’s okay; after what the Nazis did to you, it’s natural that you’d be kinda sore.
Here’s a movie sequel I’d like to see: Jurassic Park Comes to Loch Ness.
Introducing the Automaton Family! Say hello to Robocop, the Terminator, C3P0, Bicentennial Man, and Mitt Romney!
A lot of people think Americans are ignorant about their own history, but that’s bullshit. In fact, my favorite president is Abraham Nixon.
You hear a lot of stories about mental insanity, but what about physical insanity? Can’t bodies go crazy too?
How would life be different today if the dinosaurs had never discovered America?
What if the Nazis hadn’t won the Second World War?
Most people believe the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan at the end of World War II. It was actually an accident. President Clouseau was too preoccupied to issue an apology, but he sent his emissary, Jerry Lewis, to try to make amends.
A) Eat this bread, for it is my body.
B) Which part of your body?
Albert Einstein got fired from his first job but never understood why. He’d always wanted to be a hair stylist.
It’s fitting that the Eagles have a song called “Wasted Time”. In fact, that would be a good name for their entire body of work.
Q) Why does imperial Republican superstar, taxpayer-enriched-by-way-of-Halliburton billionaire parasite, and torture aficionado Dick Cheney of the used yet never used heart have to take a special type of Viagra designed especially for alligators?
A) He suffers from ereptile dysfunction.