Hello, fellow wealthy people! How are you? I hope you’re as fine as I feel. I’d just like to share with you a few truths I hold to be self-evident. Please forgive me for belaboring the obvious–ha, ha. You can blame my speechwriters. Anyway, here goes nothing:
America is toothpaste.
Corporations are people.
Robots are animals.
Trees are minerals.
Cheese is a motorcycle.
Toilet paper is a hairbrush.
Babies are furniture.
Microscopes are meatballs.
Chicken is a musical instrument.
Insects are librarians.
Tomatoes are beach towels.
Cosmetics are automobiles.
Suspension bridges are butterflies.
Refrigerators are hospitals.
Insurance companies are credit cards.
Nuclear weapons are potato chips.
Sugar is Vitamin C.
The human heart is a rubber duck.
The solar system is a cheeseburger.
Carbon dioxide is a vegetable.
Shampoo is a tennis racquet.
A golf club is a mountain range.
Goldfish are supermarkets.
Thank you. And may God bless America, you, and all the clean-cut members of your country club.