The Best Things About Death

Do you like death?  Didn’t think so.  Can’t say as I care too much for it myself.  First of all, dead people stink.  Not to sound too intolerant or prejudiced, but have you ever been in the presence of a really old person?  I don’t mean to generalize, but recently I was about a foot away from an ancient woman who goes to my wife’s church (God’s favorite), and all I could think was:  She’s a nice lady, but she smells like death.  

So that’s what death smells like!  Now you know.  Between you and me, it doesn’t smell pretty.  Without being too culturally insensitive about the rituals performed by other species, I have to confess I feel sorry for maggots.  Maybe things don’t smell as bad underground.  You’d think the density of the soil and all the nutrients therein would squelch any smells, good or bad.  Don’t you need air in order to smell something?  I mean, you can’t smell anything underwater, can you?  No–that’s not true.  Sharks can smell blood.  Damn–there’s another thing I don’t know.  I swear, you could fill the Grand Canyon with the vast volume of my ignorance.

But I’m not here to depress you.  Life is depressing enough without having some shmuck tell you that death’s going to be even worse.  Chances are it ain’t–at least in my view (despite what I wrote facetiously in a recent post).  So let’s take a look at some of the benefits of life’s understated aftermath, a horizontal non-adventure in which pretty much nothing happens to “you”–ever again.

Here’s a short list of just a few of the annoyances and inconveniences you will, in all likelihood, be spared, after you’ve “shuffled off this mortal coil”, stripped off your integument, and let your skeleton step out, only to lie there out of sight and out of mind, basically not doing a whole hell of a lot–again, for all of eternity (or until it dissolves, which will be a long time before the universe comes for an end, assuming that’s in the cards):


grocery shopping



finding a date for Saturday night

headaches, stomach aches, toothaches, hangovers, diarrhea, cancer sores, cold sores, sunburn

loneliness, bad news, speeding tickets, parking tickets, jury duty, flight delays, borborygmy, small talk

the stench of other people’s farts, rude motorists, Murphy’s Law, insect bites, memory loss

noisy neighbors, bankruptcy, rotting teeth, TV commercials, diarrhea, STD’s, wrinkles, traffic jams

political speeches, cheating spouses, temper tantrums, groin pulls, gum disease, lost youth, crappy Hollywood blockbuster movies

arguments, heartbreak, disagreements over money, ungrateful offspring, skin rashes, leprosy, the bubonic plague

saccharine waitstaff, cantankerous bosses, unctuous undertakers, telemarketers, Predator drones

hair loss, reduced sperm count, sagging breasts, jowls, wattles, pants that no longer fit

lost buttons, food particles that get trapped between the bristles of your toothbrush, bald eagles flying into the windshield of your pick-up truck

school shootings, terrorist attacks, motorcycle crashes, bribery scandals, hypocrisy, and fake tans.

Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to add to the list.  Don’t worry–it won’t go on forever.


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