Hi, Everybody! I’m God! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m having an awesome time being the creator of the universe. You know what I did last weekend? I went to this really cool planet I made all by myself, just for me, and sunbathed the whole time! The best thing about it is it’s all beaches, there’s never a cloud in the sky, the wind doesn’t blow, and there are no sharp things in the sand to cut your feet either on the shore or in the water. You see, I believe that it’s important to be good to myself, since I made everything, including you. But you know the difference between you and me? You’re going to die, and I’m not. How does that make you feel? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The other thing that might surprise you is that there is a heaven for those of you who have the God gene–you know the one I mean? That’s the gene that makes people believe in Me. Okay, maybe that’s not so surprising, since that’s the only reason a lot of you do–and don’t pretend it isn’t true; I happen to know, since I made you, remember? Everything down to your brain. Do you realize how hard that was? I made you almost as smart as I am, and I’m smarter than everything!
What is surprising–or probably would be to me if I were you–you tell me–of course, you don’t have to, since I already know–I know everything, remember? I’m the original Know-It-All. Anyway, in case you’re already so annoyed by my beating around the bush that you’re ready to have a stroke–and if you are, go ahead! Why should I care? Do you know how easy it is for me to make a human being, or any other kind of animal, you ignorant moron? It only takes eons, which is the time it takes most of you to empty your bladders, except for some of you gentlemen suffering from prostate problems (how do you like knowing you’re the template for the voodoo doll of the biggest practical joker in the cosmos? Tough luck, shmuckaroos!)
Wait a minute. Did I just say it took eons to create a human being? I’m sorry–that’s not what I meant. I was thinking of evolution. I got a little mixed-up. You see, I’ve got so much on my mind, it’s hard for me to keep track of everything. Inventory is something else. Oh, I know why I got confused. I was thinking of the first human being I ever made–Adam. He was a lot smarter than any of you, though not as smart as his wife, or the suffering serpent I put in the Garden of Breedin’.
I don’t get to breed, or even rehearse the breeding act. You see, for all my immortal virtues and immaculate perception, the one thing I haven’t figured out how to do is create a mate for myself. Pygmalion upstaged me in that department, even though he wasn’t real, and I am, so I guess he can’t gloat too much.
But at least I have a lot of friends. Just look at my account. And for those of you who don’t believe in me, I don’t really care. I made you that way so I could have some people to send to hell. The rest of you–and here, finally, is the surprise I’ve been preparing you for, and I thank you for your painstaking patience–is that the heaven you’re all coming to after you die is really, really boring. It makes a day in church feel like a Roman orgy by comparison. In fact, after a few hours up there (and you won’t find me there–hell, no! Although I suppose by now, that’s probably a relief for you to hear), you’re going to wish you were in hell.
See what you get for being such good little doggies?
Woof! Woof! That’s a good boy. Now roll over and play dead. And for everyone attending the funeral, remember that one of you is next. Why don’t you draw straws? Your situation is like a cross between Lord of the Flies and Gilligan’s Island. And if you think life sucks, believe me, death is even worse.
You see, I’m the source of all the evil in the universe.
Thank you so much for believing in me, and for being my Faithbook friend. Oh, so you don’t like my little pun? You’re going to be hearing a lot more groaners where you’re going, whether it’s up or down.