How to Appear Confidently Confused

The following is a list of books I stumbled across–literally–while browsing in a bookstore that specializes in self-help titles.  I hope you find them as useful as I did.

How to Make Neckties Out of Dental Floss to Wear Around Your Teeth

How to Clear Your Throat Without Sounding Like a Jerk

How to Laugh at Your Boss’s Jokes Without Losing Face

How to Sing the National Anthem with Your Hands in Your Pockets

How to Say the Pledge of Allegiance While Making a Nazi Salute Without Appearing to Be Making a Subversive Editorial Comment

How to Dig a Tunnel from Copenhagen to Vladivostok

How to Drop an Atomic Bomb on a Major City in a Non-English Speaking Country and Make It Look Like an Accident

How to Blame Your Parents for All Your Shortcomings

How to Elect a Goldfish as President

How to Excuse Your Extended Family’s Abrupt Exit During the Middle of a Tense Moment in a Movie Without Causing a Scene

How to Make Love to an Image

How to Win a Staring Contest with a Baby

How to Speak Your Native Language Fluently

How to Close a Taxi Door While Ending a Cell Phone Call

How to Blast Off in a Space Ship Without Disrupting the Welcome Mat

How to Teach Your Cat to Sharpen His or Her Claws on a Water Balloon

How to Patronize Shop Clerks and Wait Staff and Still Get Decent Service

How to Build a Nuclear Power Plant in Your Sleep

How to Turn Your Nightmares into Wet Dreams

How to Topple a Lifeguard from His or Her Chair

How to Conduct a Seance at a Funeral

How to Revive Your Own Corpse

How to Stand on a Helicopter’s Spinning Rotor Blades Without Falling Off

How to Change the Channel on the TV of the House Next Door

How to Hang-Glide into a Department Store

How to Bungee Jump in a Typhoon

How to Eat Popcorn With a Knife and Fork

How to Tap Dance in a Mine Field

How to Hitch-Hike at the Indianapolis 500

How to Whisper Goodbye During an Air Raid

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