A Boy Named Little Willie


You may be familiar with Little Willie, a sadistic psychopath of a boy who makes it his life’s work to torment, torture, and otherwise “mortalize” his nameless baby brother, while his insouciant mom looks on, often ready with an appreciative quip.  Here are a few new verses about this legendary celebrated sick boy.


Willie put a rattlesnake

by the baby’s birthday cake.

When the serpent bit the boy,

Willie said, “Enjoy your toy.”


Willie threw the baby’s eye

all the way into the sky.

“Look,” he said, “a shooting star!”

Mother said, “It went so far.”


Willie broke the baby’s heart–

a bloody mess, a work of art.

Mother said, “Now, really, Will–

just think of my dry cleaning bill.”


Little Willie went to war,

said, “Let’s even up the score.”

Every land he did attack

he stretched and broke upon a rack.


Willie poured some gasoline

on his granddad’s limousine,

saying as he lit a match,

“To this car I thee attach.”


Willie, indestructible,

demon ineluctable,

the boy survived abortion;

his calling is extortion.


Little Willie, blessed sprite,

greeted people with a bite.

Teeth so sharp and white he had,

leaving him made them feel glad.


Little Willie was upset

when the baby got all wet.

“I’ll teach you how to fill your diapers

by turning on the windshield wipers.”


Willie threw a boomerang,

hit the baby with a bang.

Mother said, “You broke his neck!”

“So make another–what the heck!”


Little Willie drove a car

through the window of a bar.

The barman cried, “You’ll pay for this!”

Willie mooned him, blew a kiss.


I hope you like them.  If you need more, please visit the blog of my dear friend, Mr. Mort Hawsen, (mortalchortle) on WordPress.  He’s a Little Willie-ologist himself.  But don’t believe anything Mort says about me; the man is so full of shit his eyes are brown.  I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend who was a pathological liar before, but it’s exhausting trying to separate the wheat from the chaff whenever he talks, if you know what  I mean.  I just assume everything he says is bullshit, which saves me a lot of time and energy, not to mention all the money I used to waste on dandruff shampoo from scratching my head so much at all the daffy things he says.


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