Are you like me, a preachy son of a bitch who thinks he (or she–excuse me–daughter of a bastard) knows what’s best for other people? Are you always going around telling them what to do? That’s great! I have some tips that can help you help make their lives a living hell.
1. Have no life. Clearly, if you’re going to run around telling others how to conduct their personal affairs, you have no time or inclination to cultivate your own. Abandon them. Your goal is to focus as officiously as possible on the plights of other people. You may be asking yourself: Well then, what’s in it for me? If I have to sacrifice having adventures of my own, what gives me the right to go around telling folks how to behave? That’s a good question. Stop asking questions. Doubt will only confuse you. You want to assert yourself with absolute certainty and confidence, even if you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Hey, it’s always worked for me.
2. Focus on introverts. These are the people you’ll be able to reach most easily. Assuming you’re new to this game, you want to start out with easy targets before you move up the self-actualization pyramid and confront the cigar-chomping blowhards at the top, the guys with diamond-studded cufflinks who think the sun shines out of their asses–you know, guys like you. Shy people will not think to fend off your advances, so to speak, and even if they’re secretly shunning your dogmatism, they’ll be too polite to let you know out loud. As a result, they’ll be forced to listen to you, no matter how preposterous your advice. Here’s a sample exchange:
You: Hey, what’s up?
Mark: Er, nothing. I’m just waiting for the bus.
You: What do you take the bus for? What are you, some kind of loser? Come with me and I’ll show you how to hot-wire a nice car. What kind of cars do you like?
Mark: Um, I’ve never really thought about it. I don’t even have a driver’s license.
You: No problem. I’ll teach you how to drive.
Mark: Sir, you seem a little drunk to me.
You: Best to be drunk if you’re engaging in a stressful activity like piloting an automobile through the crowded streets of a metropolis at rush hour. It’s the only way to relax.
Mark: Ha, ha. I hope you’re joking. I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.
Mark: Actually, I’m on my way to a blind date.
You: Pussy! I hope your date stands you up. That’s what you deserve for being so rude to strangers who are only trying to help you.
See how beautifully you handled that exchange? And the fabulous thing is that you left your mark feeling guilty. If his date’s a flop, who knows? He might even get drunk, steal someone’s car, and cause a major pile-up on the highway. Could be fun. At least it’ll be on the eleven o’clock news, and you’ll get to watch it on TV with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Now that’s living!
3. Don’t empathize. If the person you’re talking to thinks you understand how he or she feels, he’ll start yammering away like a shmuck and won’t give you any time to move in for the kill. That’s no good. You want him on the ropes the whole time, pounded with aggressive suggestions to keep him guessing. Callous indifference will make you seem appealingly aloof and attractive. This strategy also works well if you’re trying to pick someone up in a bar or a nightclub. Most of the available people there probably have low self-esteem, and are vulnerable and lonely. If you empower them with kindness and compassion, they’ll lash out at you and treat you like shit. That’s how the world works. Lovely, isn’t it?
4. Turn the tables. Humiliating people who may already be feeling depressed and suicidal has its charms, especially if you’re a heartless sociopath who enjoys sadism for its own sake, but at some point you want to catch those bigger fish and fry their asses alive. This will help you develop a surefire killer instinct that will make you an increasingly formidable opponent regardless of your circumstances. Your wife and children leave you? Good. It’ll give you more time to focus on your work, which is to bring down the bad guys who think they know everything. They’re the real enemy. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Let’s say you show up at a job interview with a major weapons firm:
You: Hi, sorry I’m late. It’s nice to meet you, I guess.
Suit: That’s okay. It’s only a few minutes, although we do strive for punctuality here, and our clocks are on military time.
You: How quaint. This is quite an office you’ve got here. Through that giant picture window you can watch your victims being disemboweled by predator drones, I suppose.
Suit: Ha ha ha. I trust you’re joking. Now, what makes you think we should hire you?
You: Thanks for the fake laugh. And I’m not joking. Why do you say “we”? Is there some invisible party here, or is this room bugged? Do you have multiple personality disorder? Don’t you mean “I”?
Suit: I employ the word “we” as a loyal representative of this company, for which I’ve been working for fifteen years.
You: You’re an expendable cog and a cipher. If I were your boss I’d fire you myself.
You: Just look at you. You’re a disgrace. You have no discernible originality, personality, or character. Everything you say is a cliche, and your livelihood is based on the extermination of innocent people. If anything, you should be in prison.
Suit (speaking into intercom): Security, come to room A17, please. We have a disturbance.
You: Not only are you a pathetic zero, you’re a tattletale. You can’t even fight your own battles, you little snitch.
Suit (to henchmen): Take this man away, and have him boiled alive.
5. Go along to get along. Well, you tried fighting the good fight, but as you’re screaming for mercy, getting ready to be tortured by men who are just doing their jobs and “only following orders,” using the good old Nuremberg defense, you have an epiphany and see how conformity goes hand in hand with longevity. The world today has no place for rebels anymore, except in a few books and movies, and even there they’re sanitized and emasculated. Rock stars for the most part toe the line. Mavericks are either locked up or ignored and left out in the cold to become homeless, unable to afford a change of clothes, use a shower, or even get a fresh toothbrush, just like Jesus or Buddha. That’s right, Big Brother is watching you, me, and everybody: “The Stellar Wind came blowin’ in from across the sea. . .” The best hope for survival is to learn how to love Him (Big Brother, that is), assuming you can still live with yourself in such a hideously ignominious condition.
Best of luck to you. As the characters on the totalitarian island on that old BBC TV show The Prisoner used to say, “Be seeing you.”