The other night while watching Jon Stewart take the piss out of Mitt Romney on “The Daily Show” and share some lukewarm campaign slogans for the uninspiring candidate, I remembered some old ones from the glory days of the American Republic, back when men were men and women were soap opera-addled housewives shackled to kitchen stoves and bedposts (God bless the good old days!). Who can forget such rousing campaign slogans and bumper stickers as: Know What I’m Thinkin’? That It Might Be a Good Idea to Vote for Lincoln, Be an Ant–Vote for Grant, or Wanna Kill, Son? Vote for Wilson!
In the spirit of trying to help a lackluster bunch of political hacks clean up their hackneyed acts and sharpen their axes on the grindstone of the U. S. body politic, taking care not to hack their constituents to pieces in the process (at least not until they’re in their second terms), I’ve devised a few slogans that might help at least one of these lame-assed bumpkins get either elected or re-elected, or at least selected by either Diebold, the company that makes (or at any rate used to make) electronic voting machines, the ones that helped Bush/Cheney “win” their second election against John “I’d Like to Be President for Awhile If It’s All Right with You, But If Not, No Hard Feelings” Kerry, or the Supreme Court, which delivered the presidency to the same pair of preternaturally parasitic, pernicious pricks after their election battle in 2000 and the hotly-contested Florida vote-recount in the tragically historic Bush v. Gore case (there was some consolation for the latter candidate: although Bush did steal the presidency from him with a little help from his deep-pocketed friends, at least a lot of gore followed).
Without further ado, here are a few suggestions for these megalomaniacal charlatans who have the gall to think they represent anyone who doesn’t need to have his head or heart examined and deserve to be president of any body of land bigger than a campaign bus.
Rick Santorum–Please Don’t Ignore Him
Sarah Palin: No Worse Than Failin’
Vote Rick Perry, Who Is Good–Very
Michelle Bachmann? Let’s Have a Talk, Man
Have a Ball: Vote Ron Paul
Pick Obama; Relive the Trauma
(or: Choose Obama: Who Needs More Drama?)
Vote for Newt, Not the Suit
Don’t Have a Kitten; Vote for Mittens
Go with Mitt: He’s the Shit
May the best candidate win! (The proper punctuation symbol to end that sentence is rightly a question mark, with the implicit answer being “No,” unless you live in an alternate universe where you can imagine the likes of Presidents Jill Stein, Winona LaDuke, Angela Davis, Martin Luther King, Leonard Peltier, Nelson Mandela–d’oh!, George Harrison, Ralph Nader, Dennis Kucinich, George Clooney, Morgan Freeman, Mason Reese, Charles Nelson Reilly, Paul Lynde, Bret Somers, Jack Klugman, and the rest of the cast of Match Game ’74, and I’m your host, Gene Rayburn.)