Daily Affirmations

Life is perfect, thanks to death.

The best things in life are free, so long as you’re willing to steal them.

All you need to achieve your goals is confidence, along with a ton of money, connections, and a game rigged in your favor.

If you love yourself, you can get whatever you want, including a swell head.

I don’t know where I’d be today if I had a sense of direction.

You don’t know who your real friends are until you attend your own funeral.

Love is an illegal drug that can land you in the slammer.

The only way you can find out if you’ve got what it takes to survive is by being cryogenically frozen.

Birth is a happy accident, unless you happen to be a wildebeest.

Impatience is just a phone call away.

Live every day as if it were your last, except Wednesay.

Welcome to the mine field.

Don’t forget to worry about everything all the time.

If at first you don’t succeed, mope.

Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street, unless you see walking there a heavily-armed soldier snarling epithets at you.

You don’t become a baby until you’ve had one yourself.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy love.

Time is not Money; they’re two different magazines.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have a sore throat.

We are either all one or all alone, depending on your mood.

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