A Few Tips for a Long, Healthy Life

Don’t run in your sleep.

Never brush your teeth while driving.

Try not to drink everything for sale in the liquor store.

If you’re a smoker, and you use matches to light your cigarettes, please do not eat them.

Remember, gasoline is not a beverage (unless you happen to be a car).

When the flight attendant reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, please be advised that you might lose some teeth if you ask her to sit in your lap.

Don’t bite your nails if you use nail polish, unless you want to start doing an unwitting impression of Sean Penn in I Am Sam.

If a cop pulls you over for speeding, don’t say, “Yeah, so I was driving a little fast.  What are you going to do about it–shoot me?”

If you speak in tongues, don’t do it while exposed to the cold, as your teeth might start to chatter, which will lead you to bite your tongues.

Do not–repeat–do not watch television underwater.

While singing the U. S. national anthem at a baseball game, don’t point out what a stupid, boring song it is by making fun of the lyrics or–even worse–remembering them.

Remember that the people you elect to the highest office in the land probably don’t have your best interests in mind, or if they do, they won’t for very long if they want to keep the job (which they will once they see what a swank joint the White House is).

Please do not join the armed forces.  You’ll only encourage them.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop eating any kind of meat.  The animals will thank you in their own incomprehensible languages if you do.

Purchase a pet and give it away to a friend once you realize what a major responsibility it is to take care of the poor creature.

Recognize that life is a hilarious practical joke we all play on ourselves, then laugh about it (but only if you have time).

Stop driving a car.  Get out and walk.  (Oh yeah–I saw that movie too.)

If you’re involved in a serious relationship, don’t take it too seriously.  If it’s too serious, you both may require medical attention.

Do not live in a suburb for too long.  If you live in a city, move to the country.  If you live in the country, take trips to the city a couple of times a month as a cultural monotony- breaker.

Try not to spend too much time in the sun–especially not literally.  You can’t imagine how hot the damned thing is, even if you take the precaution of handling it with potholders.

If you have children or parents, don’t forget to tell them how much you love them and give them a hug, but not while they’re yelling at you or trying to focus on a really exciting football game on TV.

The next time you attend a rock concert, please wear earplugs and quietly request that the musicians don’t play their instruments or sing too loudly.  But don’t be surprised if a bouncer throws you out of the auditorium and you have to wait outside for your friends to emerge before you can get a ride back home.

Accept everything that happens to you, but only after screaming, “Why me?” at the top of your lungs while gesturing rudely at passing motorists on the freeway until you get picked up by a state trooper and have to spend the night in jail.

Don’t forget that it’s always better to give than it is to receive, especially if you’re a lucky member of the 1%, less so if you’re near the bottom of the remaining 99.

When people smile at you, smile back.  When they stare, throw pieces of lint at them.

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